We like to do everything big in these great United States. We like Big TVs, Big sodas filled with 64 ounces of soda, Big Movies with lots of explosions, Big Hot Dogs with Twelve inches of Paradise* and Big surprises like the Foxholes on Fox News interviewing Thomas Jefferson back from the grave. So isn’t it a bit strange that twice a year we settle for changing the clocks by a mere one hours time? This only raises the heart attack rate by a measly 4.9% couldn’t we do better than that? Everybody enjoys feeling groggy and out of sorts don’t they? Think of all the productivity we waste with this salacious somnambulism! Glorious indeed to waste time dreaming by the coffee machine!
We need an online petition here and a national movement for Daylight Hoarding Time! Let’s change the clocks by two hours twice per year and not settle for less. Bigger is better so the more time we challenge ourselves with the more heroic we will feel. Even people living in the extreme northern and southern longitudes of our great country will feel the dramatic changes in daylight and darkness twice per year. Rouse yourself out of bed like a crab fisherman! Grab your pants and shave like a fireman! Stop this half assed routine now and declare yourself a Daylight Hoarder supporter!
After you read this column you need to go to your household clocks and change them all ahead one more hour. If you have a DVR from your local cable company with a clock on it switch immediately to Direct TV because they have no clock on their units. If you have a pet rooster go and wake them with a boat horn! Pretend everyone else is wrong and in the wrong time zone as you boldly live your life as a Time Hoarder. Stand up for your rights and declare yourselves free Americans! Maybe we can bring the heart attack rate up to 10%! We do it big here! Why settle for less? Turn your clock ahead an extra hour and damn the constraints on your own personal reality!
* Please see The Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
“The Pope smokes dope, he likes to smoke his grass, the Pope smokes dope, he likes to smoke at Mass!” — Anonymous
“Fear prophets and those prepared to die for the truth; for as a rule they make others die with them, often before them and sometimes instead of them.” — Umberto Eco
Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween