Well it’s been another fruit filled week of campaigning for our dear Republican candidates. While I ruminate over their collective fodder I feel the need to expurgate with the following suggestions.
Why don’t we establish three separate oligarchies? There the candidates can rule supreme and pander to their respective minions.
One – Santoria: This could be a magical serfdom where there are no colleges or universities. All women would live like they did in centuries past in a patriarchal society. There would be no need for a higher education as all we would need would be the pearls of wisdom that proceeded from the holy lips of our faithful evangelical pope the inimitable Richard John Santorum. Such joyful facts as: “Satan has his sights on the United States of America”. The people could arm themselves accordingly. Rick Santorum would be the figurehead of this despotic society, he would be the puppet of an energy executive. True control would belong of course to his benefactor, the infallible William J. Dore. He would call the shots from his Louisiana stronghold. They could declare war on the environment and destroy everything waiting in vain for God to give them a new earth!
Two – Romnia: A wonderful country where King Willard of Mitt presides forever! It would be everyone’s task to make sure that all the trees were the correct height. Only cars that he liked would be allowed. His beloved wife, Queen Ann of Davies would have a fleet of Cadillacs. It is quite an irony that someone he despises saved General Motors the auto company that makes the very car his queen drives! All his subjects would also be required to flip flop at the drop of a hat and say anything to get noticed. His robotic style would be revered. Wall street greed would be the credo. Royal subjects would everyday strap their dogs to the roofs of their cars and speed up and down the interstate so they can get fresh air, to hell with walking them! They can defecate on the fly! PETA would be changed to: Pundits for the Egotistical Treatment of Aristocrats!
Three – Gingrinch: A fantastical world were the moon would be populated! We could shift the entire planet! There would be no need for anyone to think any more as the entire population would be controlled by a giant head encased in a bath of saline and micro-nutrients. The giant head would supply everyone’s desires. Hypocrisy would be the new religion and stupidity the role of every man, woman and child. Defy the giant head at your own peril! Periodically stem cells could be generated from his head so that his numerous wives could be impregnated. If they are not pretty enough they shall be terminated. Child labor would be reinstated. The children would slave to run the giant casinos that would operate under the auspices of the real ruler Sheldon Adelson. They would serve drinks and scrape the puke off the bathroom walls while the adults put all their savings into the slot machines!
Now where would we put these oligarchical kingdoms? If we melt Antarctica and divide it into two fiefdoms that takes care of Romnia and Santoria. Gingrinch could be a giant casino town on the moon. Now of course this is not written in stone. Dear reader if you have a suggestion it is welcome!
“History is a Nightmare from which I am trying to awaken!” – James Joyce
Get off the cell phone and DRIVE! —Jake Shween