New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

The War on Christmas; If Beck was King; Christmas and Taxes

All hail there is a war on Christmas according to the Fox holes on Fox News. There are entire towns proclaiming bans on Nativity scenes on public property. People there is a simple way around these restrictions on mixing church and state. Simply proclaim that the scenes are in honor of the “Baby Jones”. Most people have long forgotten Jesus’ twin brother Baby Jones. He was not affiliated with any church. He was visited by the three magi who played the cosmic jazz. He was fond of the food of heaven, the holy pancake cooked by the blessed Saint Jemima. Later when he grew up he became a Rastafarian and moved to Ethiopia to found the Cosmic Church! That’s free speech now. It’s just the Baby Jones man. Now on to King Beck of Boobland!

Imagine if you will a world where Glenn Beck was chief of the tribe. Let us quote from the holy book of Beck: “The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be president would be–‘What the hell you mean we’re out of missiles?’.” We would be living in a post apocalypse world. Wow sounds like beyond Thunderdome! Glenn would be the Master Blaster. It might take a nut like Mel Gibson to get back on the good foot and defeat the crazy Glenn Beck. Now there must be a problem when Mel Gibson is considered to be saner than Glenn Beck. If you are so crazy in your exhortations of lunatic histrionics that the Fox holes at Fox News reject you maybe you need your very own network. Maybe you need your own asteroid!

Now you simply can’t declare two wars and cut taxes. That is basic economics 101. Now it’s left to the sane people to clean up the crazy mess that Bushonomics left us in. Merry Christmas, here is the war, it’s a war on sanity in the legislative branch of the United States. Get real Congress. Somebody has to pay for the wars. Why does the burden always seem to go to the little guy? The person who takes great responsibility for their life and their family and who barely scrapes by every week? The person who goes over there to fight these terrible battles!? This unfounded capitalist greed must evolve and change for the better or it will surely be the death of Christmas and eventually the death of us all.

“I am a conservative, but I am not a zombie.” — Glenn Beck

“Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.” — John Maynard Keynes

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Letter From God

Dear Humanity,

We use that term to be civil. “Dear” meaning in this case: precious. “Humanity” meaning in this case: the human race. The latter term has been disappointing of late as some of those who claim to be human choose to show the basest characteristics of this species which is ironic since many of you have the audacity to claim to be descended from our form or image. In any case, we digress,  back to the letter. Please refrain from bothering us any more as we simply can’t help any of you. It is up to all of you to come together and start taking care of the earth. We thought the instructions were simple enough but apparently not for all of you.

Please stop blaming us in any way shape or form for your shortcomings. These include your ever popular crimes of murder and rape. We have nothing to do with these wicked and heinous things that you do. You have free will. Please refer to your original contracts and note the disclaimer therein. Do not involve us in your political squabbles and stupid rivalries. Stop arguing as to which of our representatives you like, dislike, love or hate the most as these feelings and emotions will avail you nothing. If your team wins the game don’t even thank us because frankly we couldn’t care less either way. Stop screaming our names and perpetuating the myth that somehow we could have prevented or caused your misery.

The path for your mutual happiness lies in your ability to help each other. You must learn to share your gifts with each other. There is nothing to be gained from gathering the most to yourself. The earth, like your humanity, is fragile and easily damaged and destroyed. The sooner you learn how to cooperate on an international level the closer you will be to the heaven that you seem to crave and dream about.

Why, you might ask do we refer to ourselves as we? It is because we exist on all the different levels of time and space and the continuum. We possess the mindset of both the male and female principles. We wear the mask of eternity. Consciousness is simply one aspect of knowledge. To know all one must understand the reality of absolute nothing. That cannot, on this three dimensional plane, be shared …….

“Names can be named but not the Eternal Name.” —- Lao Tzu

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Groucho Marx

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

A Warm Dick, A Cold Bush and Romney’s Secret Heart

Never seem to run out of material on the GOP hot dog Sir Romney of Mitt. Apparently he has a secret heart which he wishes to share with the NAACP. It was so delightful to see him actually spill out his plan to save African Americans from their plight. What a genuine and sincere man. Why I bet he’s even going to reveal his secret holdings in Bermuda to prove his sincerity. After all wasn’t he very swift in admitting that his health care plan he instituted when he was Governor of Massachusetts is the EXACT same plan that Barrack Obama put into place? We should never doubt the secret heart of this paladin, this superb example of pulchritude and luminosity.

Gosh how carefully and cleverly he has distanced himself from ex-President George W. Bush! What a clever manoeuvre to stay far away from the former GOP President who was losing jobs at the rate of 750,000 per month when he left office! Oh My! The very man who brought us into two wars, gave the rich huge tax cuts and fled during a banking crisis leaving the entire mess for the next guy to clean up! But wait he did actually endorse Sir Romney of Mitt! George said: “I’m for Mitt Romney”, as the elevator doors were closing on him. How symbolic and strangely appropriate. Sounds like a cold Bush!

Now Dick Cheney is opening his doors to Sir Romney of Mitt. Dick is warming up and hosting a reception at the Teton Pines country club in Wyoming. Big GOP rainmakers are sure to be in attendance. Later they will attend a dinner in Dick’s home in Wilson Wyoming. Maybe Dick can school him on how to be less charming and more of a Dick! This might help when the U.S. is negotiating on sensitive issues with foreign dignitaries and Sir Romney of Mitt is wielding the scepter. Maybe this is the obvious solution. Romney has a secret heart which calls for more Dick and less Bush. The bumper sticker would be awesome!

“Politics is the entertainment branch of Industry.” — Frank Zappa

“PETA is not happy that my dog likes Fresh Air.” — Willard Mitt Romney

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Several Oligarchies I Would Like to See!

Well it’s been another fruit filled week of campaigning for our dear Republican candidates. While I ruminate over their collective fodder I feel the need  to expurgate with the following suggestions.

Why don’t we establish three separate oligarchies? There the candidates can rule supreme and pander to their respective minions.

One – Santoria: This could be a magical serfdom where there are no colleges or universities. All women would live like they did in centuries past in a patriarchal society.  There would be no need for a higher education as all we would need would be the pearls of wisdom that proceeded from the holy lips of our faithful evangelical pope the inimitable Richard John Santorum. Such joyful facts as: “Satan has his sights on the United States of America”.  The people could arm themselves accordingly. Rick Santorum would be the figurehead of this despotic society, he would be the puppet of an energy executive. True control would belong of course to his benefactor, the infallible William J. Dore. He would call the shots from his Louisiana stronghold. They could declare war on the environment and destroy everything waiting in vain for God to give them a new earth!

Two – Romnia: A wonderful country where King Willard of Mitt presides forever! It would be everyone’s task to make sure that all the trees were the correct height. Only cars that he liked would be allowed. His beloved wife, Queen Ann of Davies would have a fleet of Cadillacs. It is quite an irony that someone he despises saved General Motors the auto company that makes the very car his queen drives! All his subjects would also be required to flip flop at the drop of a hat and say anything to get noticed. His robotic style would be revered. Wall street greed would be the credo. Royal subjects would everyday strap their dogs to the roofs of their cars and speed up and down the interstate so they can get fresh air, to hell with walking them! They can defecate on the fly! PETA would be changed to: Pundits for the Egotistical Treatment of Aristocrats!

Three – Gingrinch: A fantastical world were the moon would be populated! We could shift the entire planet! There would be no need for anyone to think any more as the entire population would be controlled by a giant head encased in a bath of saline and micro-nutrients. The giant head would supply everyone’s desires. Hypocrisy would be the new religion and stupidity the role of every man, woman and child. Defy the giant head at your own peril! Periodically stem cells could be generated from his head so that his numerous wives could be impregnated. If they are not pretty enough they shall be terminated. Child labor would be reinstated. The children would slave to run the giant casinos that would operate under the auspices of the real ruler Sheldon Adelson. They would serve drinks and scrape the puke off the bathroom walls while the adults put all their savings into the slot machines!

Now where would we put these oligarchical kingdoms? If we melt Antarctica and divide it into two fiefdoms that takes care of Romnia and Santoria. Gingrinch could be a giant casino town on the moon. Now of course this is not written in stone. Dear reader if you have a suggestion it is welcome!

“History is a Nightmare from which I am trying to awaken!” –  James Joyce

Get off the cell phone and DRIVE!  —Jake Shween