Breaking News; Christians Can’t Wait for All Out War in the Middle East!

Thank God for all those prophets out in the desert starving, smoking weed and cooking cactus tea. It looks like all their spot on predictions are about to come true. No matter that they made them all those centuries ago under a completely different pretext. Hail Ezekiel! Wow dude you did us all a heavy! Syria is just the beginning! Read more hear about the War of Gog and Magog. Who the hell cares that no countries exist are named that. It’s Gods word dammit! We have free will to misconstrue anything He said!

Imagine if you will that Christ actually returns! Holy smoke there really was people riding those frikkin’ dinosaurs. God created it all like a weird acid trip. Six days to create. One day to rest. And he made a Dame out of that lonely bastard Adam’s rib. Holy smoke! That must have been one hell of a trip! Lucky thing soon we will have a new world and all the bad cocksuckers will be rotting in hell with that old Satan. Couldn’t he have made those dames a little quieter? Seems sometimes they get pretty bitchy! And those apples and that tree with that lousy lying snake. How disappointed God must have been when his lousy, predestined, created creatures ate the apple of knowledge. No wonder he chased their naked asses out of that Garden. Could it have been the same tree that Newton got the idea for gravity from? Hell no fool! Gravity is God’s magic force that keeps us from falling off of the earth.

Christ is coming back and there is no climate change! Damn it’s all a hoax by all those scientists that are under Satan’s control! All made up to cover up the fact that the world is coming to a blessed end and then we’ll get a New Earth. Hoo Haw the seat of paradise will probably be in Texas. Austin will be the heavenly seat. Governor Perry will probably sit at the right hand of the Father. Exciting times these are. Forget Math and forget Science! Just keep that Holy Book handy and read it whenever you’re in doubt. The answers to everything are in that Book. Just twist it around and get that meaning all up in that metaphor.

Holy Smoke, can’t wait. No more work, no more toil, sending the bad ones to boil in oil. Jesus comes back with long hair and a beard. The ultimate Aryan supremacist according to some warped factions. He gets to Perry’s house riding on a donkey. He knocks on the door of the Governor’s mansion and gets his ass shot off by Perry wielding a fully automatic weapon. No way! That means the Devil wins. Jesus don’t come back until these gun happy, pompous asses realize that they’re the fools you were talking about!

“To ‘choose’ dogma and faith over doubt and experience is to throw out the ripening vintage and reach greedily  for the Kool-Aid.” — Christopher Hitchens

“Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.” — C.S. Lewis

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

 

Contraband Bayou (Burning Man 13)

He heard the raucous bird cackling loudly nearby. He opened his eye to see the gathering light. The air was misty, there was a light fog obscuring the dawn. He looked over to one side and his breath caught in his throat. A gator laid not 4 feet away. This was quite a specimen, at least ten feet if not thirteen. Its’ enormous head was as large as Roy’s entire upper body. The black eye stared emptily. In fact the eye did not seem to focus on him at all but right through him. He turned to his right and instinctively reached for his pistol. It wasn’t there, he’d left it at home. Shit, he thought to himself, he had to pick today to play superman. He picked up his boot just to be sure. Right behind the boot lay a cottonmouth. Fucking lucky day! Roy thought. Same empty eye, devoid of sense, at least sense that he could understand. He breathed very slowly and put the boot down. As if on cue the serpent silently slithered into the black water. He turned to the other side to check on his other bed mate. The gator was gone. Not a sound, or even a ripple in the swamp. All he could hear was birds, the harbingers of the new day, denizens of Contraband Bayou. If he hadn’t seen the creatures he never would have known they were there.

Roy had spent the last two weeks recuperating at the house where he lived with his aging Mother. He had spent the days drinking voluminous amounts of beer and shooting cans in the backyard. He had wondered about the strange medallion that had come into his possession. It had a timeless quality to it. It somehow seemed familiar. When he asked his Mother about it she said maybe it was from Lafitte’s treasure. She said it must have floated up to him on the log somehow. Maybe a storm had dislodged it from its’ resting place. He wished his Father was still alive. His Father had always claimed he was Lafitte’s descendant. Roy figured it was his Father’s way of coping with his own origin after finding out he’d been adopted. He could never prove his relation to Lafitte but he loved to bring it up after a few drinks. That’s why Roy’s middle name was Jean. It was a reminder of his Father’s supposed heritage. It had brought him here to the Bayou. The legend was there was still treasure here. For Roy it was a spirit quest. He needed answers. He still couldn’t believe he was the only survivor of the rig explosion.

He reached for his pack and retrieved a can of sardines. Food always tasted better when camping. Roy was so hungry it might as well have been brunch at the Hyatt Regency. Yes Mr. Gillespie would you care for another Mimosa? No thanks, this water is fine. Taking a long drink he stood and rubbed his beard. He wrapped up his bed roll and groundcloth. He sat on the roll, laced up his boots then packed up. He looked around for any trace that either he or his bedmates had been there. There was gator tracks in the soft mud. The prints were as long as his boot. The snake had left no discernible  trace. Satisfied his site was clear he trekked off.

He threw open the door of his pickup as he tossed his pack inside the cab. He was thinking about his Father Claude. He thought it was interesting his father had a French name. Roy had looked into the Lafitte connection many times. It was certainly curious that no one could actually pin down where he had died or been buried. The legend that sparked his curiosity the most was one involving Lafitte’s wife. It was said that she was Haitian, part black and a voodoo priestess. That would explain his darker complexion. It was said that Jean Lafitte had divine protection, he had not died in a sea battle but had lived out his life and raised a family in the Caribbean. Roy wanted to believe this, he really did. This was the story that his Father would have liked. Roy suddenly knew where he needed to go, New Orleans.

Madame Jubal went to the front of her shop and arranged the books in the window. Something was brewing today, she knew it. The clock on the wall chimed nine times. It was rare that she was up and about so early. The sunlight caught the steam rising from her tea as she stirred it with a cinnamon stick. “Lafitte we gettin’ company today,” the parrot blinked. “Company today,” he echoed, “company today”.

Breaking News; Christians Can’t Wait for All Out War in the Middle East!

Thank God for all those prophets out in the desert starving, smoking weed and cooking cactus tea. It looks like all their spot on predictions are about to come true. No matter that they made them all those centuries ago under a completely different pretext. Hail Ezekiel! Wow dude you did us all a heavy! Syria is just the beginning! Read more hear about the War of Gog and Magog. Who the hell cares that no countries exist are named that. It’s Gods word dammit! We have free will to misconstrue anything He said!

Imagine if you will that Christ actually returns! Holy smoke there really was people riding those frikkin’ dinosaurs. God created it all like a weird acid trip. Six days to create. One day to rest. And he made a Dame out of that lonely bastard Adam’s rib. Holy smoke! That must have been one hell of a trip! Lucky thing soon we will have a new world and all the bad cocksuckers will be rotting in hell with that old Satan. Couldn’t he have made those dames a little quieter? Seems sometimes they get pretty bitchy! And those apples and that tree with that lousy lying snake. How disappointed God must have been when his lousy, predestined, created creatures ate the apple of knowledge. No wonder he chased their naked asses out of that Garden. Could it have been the same tree that Newton got the idea for gravity from? Hell no fool! Gravity is God’s magic force that keeps us from falling off of the earth.

Christ is coming back and there is no climate change! Damn it’s all a hoax by all those scientists that are under Satan’s control! All made up to cover up the fact that the world is coming to a blessed end and then we’ll get a New Earth. Hoo Haw the seat of paradise will probably be in Texas. Austin will be the heavenly seat. Governor Perry will probably sit at the right hand of the Father. Exciting times these are. Forget Math and forget Science! Just keep that Holy Book handy and read it whenever you’re in doubt. The answers to everything are in that Book. Just twist it around and get that meaning all up in that metaphor.

Holy Smoke, can’t wait. No more work, no more toil, sending the bad ones to boil in oil. Jesus comes back with long hair and a beard. The ultimate Aryan supremacist according to some warped factions. He gets to Perry’s house riding on a donkey. He knocks on the door of the Governor’s mansion and gets his ass shot off by Perry wielding a fully automatic weapon. No way! That means the Devil wins. Jesus don’t come back until these gun happy, pompous asses realize that they’re the fools you were talking about!

“To ‘choose’ dogma and faith over doubt and experience is to throw out the ripening vintage and reach greedily  for the Kool-Aid.” — Christopher Hitchens

“Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.” — C.S. Lewis

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween