Breaking News; Christians Can’t Wait for All Out War in the Middle East!

Thank God for all those prophets out in the desert starving, smoking weed and cooking cactus tea. It looks like all their spot on predictions are about to come true. No matter that they made them all those centuries ago under a completely different pretext. Hail Ezekiel! Wow dude you did us all a heavy! Syria is just the beginning! Read more hear about the War of Gog and Magog. Who the hell cares that no countries exist are named that. It’s Gods word dammit! We have free will to misconstrue anything He said!

Imagine if you will that Christ actually returns! Holy smoke there really was people riding those frikkin’ dinosaurs. God created it all like a weird acid trip. Six days to create. One day to rest. And he made a Dame out of that lonely bastard Adam’s rib. Holy smoke! That must have been one hell of a trip! Lucky thing soon we will have a new world and all the bad cocksuckers will be rotting in hell with that old Satan. Couldn’t he have made those dames a little quieter? Seems sometimes they get pretty bitchy! And those apples and that tree with that lousy lying snake. How disappointed God must have been when his lousy, predestined, created creatures ate the apple of knowledge. No wonder he chased their naked asses out of that Garden. Could it have been the same tree that Newton got the idea for gravity from? Hell no fool! Gravity is God’s magic force that keeps us from falling off of the earth.

Christ is coming back and there is no climate change! Damn it’s all a hoax by all those scientists that are under Satan’s control! All made up to cover up the fact that the world is coming to a blessed end and then we’ll get a New Earth. Hoo Haw the seat of paradise will probably be in Texas. Austin will be the heavenly seat. Governor Perry will probably sit at the right hand of the Father. Exciting times these are. Forget Math and forget Science! Just keep that Holy Book handy and read it whenever you’re in doubt. The answers to everything are in that Book. Just twist it around and get that meaning all up in that metaphor.

Holy Smoke, can’t wait. No more work, no more toil, sending the bad ones to boil in oil. Jesus comes back with long hair and a beard. The ultimate Aryan supremacist according to some warped factions. He gets to Perry’s house riding on a donkey. He knocks on the door of the Governor’s mansion and gets his ass shot off by Perry wielding a fully automatic weapon. No way! That means the Devil wins. Jesus don’t come back until these gun happy, pompous asses realize that they’re the fools you were talking about!

“To ‘choose’ dogma and faith over doubt and experience is to throw out the ripening vintage and reach greedily  for the Kool-Aid.” — Christopher Hitchens

“Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.” — C.S. Lewis

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

 

Breaking News; Christians Can’t Wait for All Out War in the Middle East!

Thank God for all those prophets out in the desert starving, smoking weed and cooking cactus tea. It looks like all their spot on predictions are about to come true. No matter that they made them all those centuries ago under a completely different pretext. Hail Ezekiel! Wow dude you did us all a heavy! Syria is just the beginning! Read more hear about the War of Gog and Magog. Who the hell cares that no countries exist are named that. It’s Gods word dammit! We have free will to misconstrue anything He said!

Imagine if you will that Christ actually returns! Holy smoke there really was people riding those frikkin’ dinosaurs. God created it all like a weird acid trip. Six days to create. One day to rest. And he made a Dame out of that lonely bastard Adam’s rib. Holy smoke! That must have been one hell of a trip! Lucky thing soon we will have a new world and all the bad cocksuckers will be rotting in hell with that old Satan. Couldn’t he have made those dames a little quieter? Seems sometimes they get pretty bitchy! And those apples and that tree with that lousy lying snake. How disappointed God must have been when his lousy, predestined, created creatures ate the apple of knowledge. No wonder he chased their naked asses out of that Garden. Could it have been the same tree that Newton got the idea for gravity from? Hell no fool! Gravity is God’s magic force that keeps us from falling off of the earth.

Christ is coming back and there is no climate change! Damn it’s all a hoax by all those scientists that are under Satan’s control! All made up to cover up the fact that the world is coming to a blessed end and then we’ll get a New Earth. Hoo Haw the seat of paradise will probably be in Texas. Austin will be the heavenly seat. Governor Perry will probably sit at the right hand of the Father. Exciting times these are. Forget Math and forget Science! Just keep that Holy Book handy and read it whenever you’re in doubt. The answers to everything are in that Book. Just twist it around and get that meaning all up in that metaphor.

Holy Smoke, can’t wait. No more work, no more toil, sending the bad ones to boil in oil. Jesus comes back with long hair and a beard. The ultimate Aryan supremacist according to some warped factions. He gets to Perry’s house riding on a donkey. He knocks on the door of the Governor’s mansion and gets his ass shot off by Perry wielding a fully automatic weapon. No way! That means the Devil wins. Jesus don’t come back until these gun happy, pompous asses realize that they’re the fools you were talking about!

“To ‘choose’ dogma and faith over doubt and experience is to throw out the ripening vintage and reach greedily  for the Kool-Aid.” — Christopher Hitchens

“Education without values, as useful as it is, seems rather to make man a more clever devil.” — C.S. Lewis

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

 

Forget Reality this is Much More Important

Pull up a chair and set a spell there is a whole other round of reality coming your way this week in the news. Pay no attention to the media circus behind the curtain. It doesn’t matter that the Pope is resigning and he actually was not, common to contrary belief, fired by Donald Trump. There is also no truth to the rumor that the Catholic Church is beset by scandal and backstabbing infighting. Remember these men of God have forsworn their egos to serve the true Christ. Far be it for them to be guilty of the pompous sin of envy  and the filthy sin of lust. It seems as if they had not found a career serving God they could have just as easily pursued the noble professions of banking or lawyering.

Scandal is as scandal does and the merry go round continues in the fabulous world of beltway bloviating. Nothing new to report dear readers. Very little has changed politically. However, the climate is still rapidly changing. Oil companies are hastily trying to sell us on fracking and how extremely safe and bankable it is. (For them it is – they are certain to rape a tidy profit!) Also the calls for the Keystone Pipeline, a huge pipeline through the middle of the country to transport “shale oil” is causing a ruckus. Remember now you cannot have your cake and eat it too! We can’t burn up the world and grow trees at the same time. Make up your mind dammit.

Sequester this and sequester that, kick the can and let the fat lady sing. Let’s cut all the helpful programs because we still didn’t pay for that damn Iraq war we were sold by the warmongering cronies we were stuck with in the beginning of the millennium. Imagine a reality where those cronies accepted that responsibility and were actually accountable for their actions!? Who owns a huge chunk of that debt? China! Now we owe China some serious coin.  Meanwhile China is trying to hack our computers. Gee ya think they remember the Opium Wars and maybe they are still sore about that? C’mon fellas we were doing our best to be the most honorable pirates as sanctioned by God and the king! Hell don’t dare raise the minimum wage! We need division and an abyss. Let us have our walls and lawyers to hide behind. D.C. runs on lawyers, bad blood and empty rhetoric.

H.S.B.C. the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation has gotten away with murder. Not the first bank and in no way the last. Nothing new here however just another story about money getting in the way of humanity in the sense that humans are supposedly compassionate creatures. But wait are we really compassionate? Is that a reality or just something the Pope wanted us to believe? Some sugar coated Christian cake. An idealist version of a juvenile reality. No wonder the Pope quit. Was that a wolf with a suitcase full of money running down the road? Profit, not The Prophet, is God. Christ is for suckers.

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“That weapon will replace your tongue. You will learn to speak through it. And your poetry will now be written with blood.” — Nobody, from Dead Man by Jim Jarmusch

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” — Aldous Huxley

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween