Monthly Archives: March 2013

Death in the Produce Aisle; Genetically Modified Truths

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He stood in the produce aisle debating what to eat for dinner that night. Several vegetables caught his eye and brought up visions of culinary delights. The crookneck squash looked particularly delectable with its bright glossy yellow skin. Next to that a bin of ears of corn. The ears were large and firm. They also appeared perfectly edible. The produce person was sorting through the broccoli and arranging fresh bunches. He politely asked the store employee, “are these vegetables genetically modified?”. “I’m really not sure.” answered the broccoli sorter. ‘Hmmm’ the man thought. ‘Maybe I’ll give them a try.’

He tore a plastic bag off the dispenser and loaded it with six ears of corn. Three for a dollar he thought, better get six. As far as the squash he loaded up the bag with what he guessed was two pounds of golden goodness. Curiously as he turned to the scale he noticed a man dressed in camouflage was eyeing him from behind the green beans. ‘That’s strange,’ he thought, ‘what’s he looking at me for?’ He turned and walked up to the next aisle which was filled with condiments including vinegar and salad dressing.

Reaching down to grab a jar of his favorite mayonnaise he felt a strange sensation tearing through his left quadricep. He stumbled back and slammed into the shelf behind him. Several jars of mustard fell on his head and shoulders. He looked up to see the man in camouflage standing over him with a glock pistol. It was aimed squarely at his forehead. “What did I do?” he managed to spit out despite the pain. “Why you were going to buy those genetically engineered vegetables you stupid son of a bitch”, growled the vigilante. “I am going to kill you quick, they would’ve killed you slow!”

‘Great,’ he thought to himself, ‘I am going to be killed by a frikking gun happy lunatic over a dosing of roundup.’ ‘Talk about a genetically modified vegetable, who modified this lunatic’s brain?’ Crack, crack the pistol exhorted. Soon his brains and blood were slowly leaking into the spilled mustard. Mixing into a bizarre dressing on the grocery store floor. “Clean up in aisle five!” the gun happy man proclaimed. “Call the police!” screamed an elderly man.

Five minutes later the police arrived. After the shell shock across the country there were five cruisers pulled up to the front of the store in three minutes flat. Seven policemen surrounded the glock wielding murderer demanding he drop his weapon immediately. Curiously the man complied and gently lowered his shiny pistol to the floor. An officer approached him and began to recite his Miranda rights. When he was finished the trembling man let himself be handcuffed and was led away without a struggle.

“Why did you do it?” the sergeant said as he carefully put the man in the back of the patrol car? “We are all going to die anyway, don’t you see?,” the murderer whispered, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I was just helping him out. If my bullet hadn’t got him he would’ve gotten cancer from those vegetables. We are all being lied to every day. Lies, lies and more lies. Don’t you see it? Nobody gives a damn anymore!” The sergeant closed the car door when the man had finished. ‘How many more of these Goddamn lunatics have guns?’ the sergeant thought to himself.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Get off the cell phone and drive! — Jake Shween

The Great Marching Plutocracy! Iraq Ten Years After

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Let’s cut a blood soaked bargain,
And sell the bovine mass a war,
Never mind they’ll do the fighting,
We’ll make those patriots our whore.

Hate will fuel our terrible cause,
The truth we’ll put on tragic pause,
Heck we’ll bend and rape it,
Reality is cheap,
and Son you are enlisted,
Our orders you will keep.

March from house to house then,
Shoot them if they flee
Remember nine eleven,
Mad justice you will seek.

Burn the village, burn the town,
Dethrone the evil bastard clown!

And if you’re hurt perhaps you’ll bleed,
But that’s our motto and our creed,
All for profit and capitalist greed.

Couched in forced Democracy
The Great Marching Plutocracy!

Just ask our crooked bankers,
And our highbrow lawyers too,
Humanity is fodder, just fodder we can screw.

Don’t ask for help when you get home
Tough it out, you’re free to roam.

Never mind your nightmares,
Who cares if you can’t sleep.
It was not about your choices,
Numb that conscience, kill that creep!

The violence has won now
Mercy never stood a chance
It was all about the oil
And about the corporate dance.

You’ll get the bill for sure Son,
It’s never us that pay!
This is the devil’s bargain
And this hate is here to stay!

“Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.”                               — Donald Rumsfeld

“There are a lot of people who lie and get away with it, and that’s just a fact.”          — Donald Rumsfeld

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Self Imposed Chronophobia; Daylight Hoarding Time

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We like to do everything big in these great United States. We like Big TVs, Big sodas filled with 64 ounces of soda, Big Movies with lots of explosions, Big Hot Dogs with Twelve inches of Paradise* and Big surprises like the Foxholes on Fox News interviewing Thomas Jefferson back from the grave. So isn’t it a bit strange that twice a year we settle for changing the clocks by a mere one hours time? This only raises the heart attack rate by a measly 4.9% couldn’t we do better than that? Everybody enjoys feeling groggy and out of sorts don’t they? Think of all the productivity we waste with this salacious somnambulism! Glorious indeed to waste time dreaming by the coffee machine!

We need an online petition here and a national movement for Daylight Hoarding Time! Let’s change the clocks by two hours twice per year and not settle for less. Bigger is better so the more time we challenge ourselves with the more heroic we will feel. Even people living in the extreme northern and southern longitudes of our great country will feel the dramatic changes in daylight and darkness twice per year. Rouse yourself out of bed like a crab fisherman! Grab your pants and shave like a fireman! Stop this half assed routine now and declare yourself a Daylight Hoarder supporter!

After you read this column you need to go to your household clocks and change them all ahead one more hour. If you have a DVR from your local cable company with a clock on it switch immediately to Direct TV because they have no clock on their units. If you have a pet rooster go and wake them with a boat horn! Pretend everyone else is wrong and in the wrong time zone as you boldly live your life as a Time Hoarder. Stand up for your rights and declare yourselves free Americans! Maybe we can bring the heart attack rate up to 10%! We do it big here! Why settle for less? Turn your clock ahead an extra hour and damn the constraints on your own personal reality!

* Please see The Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

“The Pope smokes dope, he likes to smoke his grass, the Pope smokes dope, he likes to smoke at Mass!” — Anonymous

“Fear prophets and those prepared to die for the truth; for as a rule they make others die with them, often before them and sometimes instead of them.” — Umberto Eco

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Dreaded Scott, Rand Goes Fountainhead, The Bush Gets A Push

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Ah the Dreaded Scott, republican Governor Tricky Ricky Scott of Florida to be exact, promises one thing and does something else altogether! Damn these politicians where did they ever get their sense of ethics? Much to the chagrin of Tea Party enthusiasts Tricky Ricky has embraced Obama care and even looks to it as being capable of bringing his state a profit! Well he would know all about profiteering from Medicare as a company he ran called Columbia/HCA was convicted of Medicare fraud that resulted in over two billion in fines! The largest fraud settlement in United States history! Funny trivia fact: Pile of Mitt Romney with his venture predator firm Bain Capital had involvement in a slippery deal with Damon Corporation that also resulted in Medicare fraud! Damn, government entitlements are a good thing when you can skim a few denaros for your Cayman Island accounts from them. Hell just get HSBC to help you hide the paper trail! Those guys are whizzes at stuff like that!

Tip of the hat to the great soliloquist senator Rand Paul today as he filibustered the appointment of John Brennan as the new head of the CIA. He certainly proved that he can spew with the best of them. It reminds one of the quote from the book The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand — “The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody has decided not to see.” What could that glaring evidence be? Why one could surmise that it’s perfectly okay for former president George W. Bush and veep Cheney and his henchmen to authorize use of deadly force to prevent terrorist attacks on United States’ soil but not that strange black man who now resides in that big White House! Glaring evidence indeed! Why it’s as simple as Black and White!

Old Jeb, no not the old shepherd stray living in the woods behind the recycle depot, the ex governor of Florida where Tricky Ricky now holds court, that old Jeb Bush is getting a nod from some GOP heavyweights that he should enter the ring for the 2016 presidential run. He looked enthusiastic as ever as he waffled on his stand on immigration to move to the right of Tupac Rubio Da G. The excitement and hunger was evident in his NBC interview as he trains his junkyard dog eyes on his fellow Republican rivals! How merrily he confessed that his brother “W” has admittedly taken up painting! What could be next? Basket weaving!? One can easily see how the strain of presidential office can sap ones ability to function as a regular working chap! Jeb will learn from his brother’s impotence. He will be better than “W”. He will become a new Republican superhero! A new rallying cry for the country: Bring Back the Bush!

“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe and it has a longer shelf life.” — Frank Zappa

“A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.” — David Hume

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween