It has been announced that the Grand Old Party will be requiring its’ members to undergo ‘sensitivity training’ to aid the party in attracting more women and minority voters. This might be a great success if undergone properly and with the correct supervision. Forget Frank Luntz and the idea of a Weekend at Bernie’s . This entire procedure will require the most rigorous treatment processes not unlike the brainwashing given to the lead character Alex in the famous Stanley Kubrick film, A Clockwork Orange. (Based on the book of the same name by Anthony Burgess.)

Short of being born again here are some suggestions for GOP members:

1. Work in a fast food restaurant. Yes you read that right. Each member shall be required to complete at least 400 hours at a fast food restaurant of the independently appointed therapist’s choosing. They will not receive any special treatment as they must remain incognito for their entire term of employment. During this time their regular pay will go to charity and they will be forced to live on the minimum wage even if it means they will lose their posh DC digs. They will not be allowed to use any outside money during this time to supplement their income. They must undergo the process and humiliation of applying for food stamps and government assistance like a regular American citizen.

2. Pick vegetables with migrant workers. Each member will be assigned to live with a migrant workers family during the growing season. As above they will remain incognito. If language is a barrier they will be required to learn a foreign language. The foreman of each farm will work closely with the independently appointed therapist to make sure that each member makes their quota regardless of age, race or creed. They will not be allowed to join any union or receive any benefits during this part of their sensitivity training since they will be considered to be in the country illegally.

3. They will spend two months living with pensioners who were robbed of their pensions. Perhaps Detroit will be a good city to relocate some of the members to for this next phase of their reprogramming (since nothing short of reprogramming will bring about an epiphany). They will contribute nothing at this point but their advice on how to live on very little. In the event that there are not enough pensioners willing to take in these Beltway Bullies, they will be assigned to live with social security recipients across the country whether they be retired or on permanent disability.

4. Environmental concerns are the next phase of the sensitivity training. Each member will spend at minimum two months assisting in a cleanup of an environmental disaster. Oil spills will be a good place to train the members and give them hands on conditioning, exposure to the toxic sludge as well as a little bit of concern for the environment which they seem more than willing to destroy for the sake of corporate profits and unabated greed. If an oil spill is unavailable which seems highly unlikely they will be assigned to clean up a train wreck. Perhaps then they might see that the expense of automated braking systems for all trains is more than worth the cost of freight and human life.

5. After they complete the above training a crucial phase in the sensitivity process begins. Each member must sit in and assist a rape counselor for a minimum two month time period. They must endure the pain and tears of the victims and begin to empathize with what it feels like to have ones’ dignity and self worth violated in a single act of senseless violence. At this point the rape counselor will keep the sensitivity therapist apprised of the progress or lack thereof of each member. Since this is an especially crucial part of their training, each member will be given a performance evaluation upon completion of this phase. If they are successful they may now return to Capitol Hill.

All records of their training will be made public and posted on the internet. These are our Public Servants and as such there will be complete and utter transparency in all phases of their reintroduction to political life.

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“One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child.” — Dr. Carl G. Jung

“Instead of being presented with stereotypes by age, sex, color, class, or religion, children must have the opportunity to learn that within each range, some people are loathsome and some are delightful.” — Margaret Mead

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween