Tea Baggers Zero/ Jersey Goombas One

The election results are in! The votes have been counted. The message is clear. If the Republicans have any chance of staying in the next Presidential election they have to stick with candidates that can grease the competition rather than deny them oral sex and sodomy. Better to stick with a guy who can deliver the goods than a pansy who is lousy in bed and frightened of vaginas. Weight was clearly not a factor here, nor was any serious look at voting records that should be of more import. Instead the United States of New Jersey reelected their stately Monarch, the Godfather of Trenton, Chris Christie. The man with a name so nice they named him twice!

Ken Cuccinelli (know as “The Cooch” to his minions; how ironic) bit on the big one in Virginia. Didn’t matter that Virginia is for lovers his campaign was out to deflower the state right out of Bacchanalian debauchery and take us back to the time of Leviticus. Even Ayn Rand Paul campaigning for him did not help his anti anal endeavors. Despite his name ending in a vowel he was simply not the type to get it done when it counted. His flaccid campaign simply petered out and never came. The tea baggers had no imagination to stiffen him up and thrust him into the Governorship. Even with his outspoken hatred of all things Obama; he was thwarted by a prophylactic Democrat. All hail Governor Terry McAulliffe the new sultan of swing in Virginia. Maybe now the state can be for lovers again! Vaginal, Oral or Anal it’s a triple threat!

Let that be a hard lesson to all the ancient thinking Republicans who want a shot at being the next President. You can give us all the dope we can smoke but sometimes we just, depending on your persuasion of course, want to smoke the sausage, pin the tail on the donkey and rub one out for the Gipper! “If a man lay with another he must be stoned” it says in Leviticus. Damn straight and it better be some good herb. So keep the damn government out of the bedroom. Start doing some actual work in Washington. Save the Earth and stop wasting our time with arguing. Leave your stupid religion and outrageous moral demands at home and face reality before there is no Earth left to leave to our children.

“There is more stupidity than Hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.” — Frank Zappa

“I don’t believe in dressing up reality. I don’t believe in using make up to make things look smoother.” — Lou Reed

“Two Rock and Roll Icons. These are the true moral men of our time who both passed away too soon.” — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Dreaded Scott, Rand Goes Fountainhead, The Bush Gets A Push

Ah the Dreaded Scott, republican Governor Tricky Ricky Scott of Florida to be exact, promises one thing and does something else altogether! Damn these politicians where did they ever get their sense of ethics? Much to the chagrin of Tea Party enthusiasts Tricky Ricky has embraced Obama care and even looks to it as being capable of bringing his state a profit! Well he would know all about profiteering from Medicare as a company he ran called Columbia/HCA was convicted of Medicare fraud that resulted in over two billion in fines! The largest fraud settlement in United States history! Funny trivia fact: Pile of Mitt Romney with his venture predator firm Bain Capital had involvement in a slippery deal with Damon Corporation that also resulted in Medicare fraud! Damn, government entitlements are a good thing when you can skim a few denaros for your Cayman Island accounts from them. Hell just get HSBC to help you hide the paper trail! Those guys are whizzes at stuff like that!

Tip of the hat to the great soliloquist senator Rand Paul today as he filibustered the appointment of John Brennan as the new head of the CIA. He certainly proved that he can spew with the best of them. It reminds one of the quote from the book The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand — “The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody has decided not to see.” What could that glaring evidence be? Why one could surmise that it’s perfectly okay for former president George W. Bush and veep Cheney and his henchmen to authorize use of deadly force to prevent terrorist attacks on United States’ soil but not that strange black man who now resides in that big White House! Glaring evidence indeed! Why it’s as simple as Black and White!

Old Jeb, no not the old shepherd stray living in the woods behind the recycle depot, the ex governor of Florida where Tricky Ricky now holds court, that old Jeb Bush is getting a nod from some GOP heavyweights that he should enter the ring for the 2016 presidential run. He looked enthusiastic as ever as he waffled on his stand on immigration to move to the right of Tupac Rubio Da G. The excitement and hunger was evident in his NBC interview as he trains his junkyard dog eyes on his fellow Republican rivals! How merrily he confessed that his brother “W” has admittedly taken up painting! What could be next? Basket weaving!? One can easily see how the strain of presidential office can sap ones ability to function as a regular working chap! Jeb will learn from his brother’s impotence. He will be better than “W”. He will become a new Republican superhero! A new rallying cry for the country: Bring Back the Bush!

“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe and it has a longer shelf life.” — Frank Zappa

“A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.” — David Hume

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

A Warm Dick, A Cold Bush and Romney’s Secret Heart

Never seem to run out of material on the GOP hot dog Sir Romney of Mitt. Apparently he has a secret heart which he wishes to share with the NAACP. It was so delightful to see him actually spill out his plan to save African Americans from their plight. What a genuine and sincere man. Why I bet he’s even going to reveal his secret holdings in Bermuda to prove his sincerity. After all wasn’t he very swift in admitting that his health care plan he instituted when he was Governor of Massachusetts is the EXACT same plan that Barrack Obama put into place? We should never doubt the secret heart of this paladin, this superb example of pulchritude and luminosity.

Gosh how carefully and cleverly he has distanced himself from ex-President George W. Bush! What a clever manoeuvre to stay far away from the former GOP President who was losing jobs at the rate of 750,000 per month when he left office! Oh My! The very man who brought us into two wars, gave the rich huge tax cuts and fled during a banking crisis leaving the entire mess for the next guy to clean up! But wait he did actually endorse Sir Romney of Mitt! George said: “I’m for Mitt Romney”, as the elevator doors were closing on him. How symbolic and strangely appropriate. Sounds like a cold Bush!

Now Dick Cheney is opening his doors to Sir Romney of Mitt. Dick is warming up and hosting a reception at the Teton Pines country club in Wyoming. Big GOP rainmakers are sure to be in attendance. Later they will attend a dinner in Dick’s home in Wilson Wyoming. Maybe Dick can school him on how to be less charming and more of a Dick! This might help when the U.S. is negotiating on sensitive issues with foreign dignitaries and Sir Romney of Mitt is wielding the scepter. Maybe this is the obvious solution. Romney has a secret heart which calls for more Dick and less Bush. The bumper sticker would be awesome!

“Politics is the entertainment branch of Industry.” — Frank Zappa

“PETA is not happy that my dog likes Fresh Air.” — Willard Mitt Romney

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween