Screw Healthcare; Buy a Gun!

If more people owned guns the great citizens of the United States could do away with the need for healthcare altogether. After all when a horse becomes lame it is usually shot to death. Certainly the cost of a bullet is much cheaper than a statin drug, an aspirin, chemotherapy or any of the drugs prescribed for depression. Heck a bullet cost less than a stalk of broccoli. Just think of the billions of dollars that could be saved if we simply shoot people who are ill or depressed.

Perhaps the Supreme Court should enact a law that to be a citizen of the United States one must own a gun. (After all they pick Presidents don’t they?)  There could be classes in schools where we could teach our progeny to shoot first and ask questions later. If there were any unfortunate accidents in this process we could simply say that we were “decreasing the surplus population” just like the famous character of Ebenezer Scrooge did in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Now there was a man ahead of his time!

Imagine what a better place this country would be. The waiting lines everywhere would become so much shorter. No more listening to drug ads ad infinitum on your favorite television shows. Instead we could listen to the testimony of a husband who cured his wife’s depression with a single shot from his brand new .357 magnum:

“She started complaining again that she felt like the walls were closing all in around her. I just went to my gun case and whipped out my shiny pistol and gave it to her right between the eyes! The silence was golden! I think grandpa is next, his Alzheimer disease is rubbing me the wrong way! God Bless America!”

So listen up and stay ahead of the curve. If you have any spare funds invest them immediately in arms manufacturers. Take to the streets and extoll the virtues of guns and live ammo. The world could be such a better place without all the sickos walking around! The new slogan is “Bullets not Broccoli!”

Malala. #gunviolence #gunsafety #gunsense

“If that’s the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is that his eye may be opened by experience—by experience.” —- Mr. Bumble in Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist

“You can make people buy broccoli!” —- Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Inner Visions (Burning Man 10)

Crashing through the safety rail the car went careening off the bridge whistling in the darkness until plunging into the river far below. It hesitated for a few moments on the surface of the water then began a quick descent into the inky black darkness. Water poured through the vents, the water was now up to his waste. He quickly reached into his pocket and pulled out his Swiss army knife. Opening up the awl he put the knife in his fist, the awl sticking out between his knuckles. He turned towards his window and gave it an adrenalin filled punch of extraordinary strength. The glass gave way, the water rushed in. In one motion he released his seat belt and thrust himself through the opening, knuckles bleeding.

He felt no need to breath. The only question was which way was the surface. It was so dark there was no up or down. The car had disappeared. Time was speeding by and his heart rate was incalculable. There out of the corner of his eye he caught a beam of light. Turning towards the ray there was a shiny ribbon of illumination. A snake of sterling silver, maybe three feet long. Hard to say now, all relativity of distance was askew. He instinctively followed the glowing jewel with the strong strokes of an accomplished swimmer. The snake was gone now. Moonlight shone on the surface of the river. Gasping he broke the surface of the black water.

Eddie woke up breathing hard. He rubbed his knuckles of his right hand. The storm rumbled outside, rain lashing against the bedroom window. The banana tree in the corner of the room rustled gently in the breeze of the ceiling fan. He sat up and went to the closet. Gingerly he picked up the book of Jungian archetypes he kept there. Not knowing why he felt an urge to look at the large glossy photos of archetypes inside. He turned the light on the bedstand and opened to the picture of the Norse God Loki. Ah yes, the trickster he thought to himself.

Three things Eddie had found in the apartment at 155 East 52nd street when he had moved in back in ’86. One was the very old banana tree which the realtor had offered to remove but Eddie liked it immediately. It reminded him of growing up in the south. The other was the book of Jungian archetypes which Eddie had felt like fate had destined him to have. He found whenever he was at a loss, a mental block of creativity, he would open the book and it would crash through the gate. He had always kept it where he had found it, on the top shelf of the bedroom closet.The third was a broken glass box which contained a porcelain Geisha figurine. He had had the box reconditioned and it now sat prominently in the sitting room.

He turned to the index to reference the snake. He knew already the water had signified the unconscious realm. The snake perhaps a different version of himself. He wasn’t sure why but something was familiar about it. He knew not to take any of it too literally. He flipped through the pages and began to feel sleepy again. Placing the book reverently back on the top shelf of the closet he laid back down. Below on the street there was the sound of sirens now. He knew he was home. Back home in the city that never sleeps, New York.

Phixx Pharmaceuticals brand new drug: Soma. The exposition was all set. The atmosphere was like a carnival. This was the drug of the century. It was a fix all snake oil remedy. Eddie was dreaming but this time he knew it. He was an ad agent for Phixx Pharmaceuticals. He wondered exactly what was in this brand new panacea. He watched the video he had helped produce on their big screen. People on Soma seemed like happy zombies. They ignored what was really going on all around them and performed their jobs and lived their lives like happy idiots. Eddie shuddered and secretly believed this was the drug they really are searching for. Whoever controls this drug, controls the world. He slept peacefully.

File:Processed SAM loki.jpgGet off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween