New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

GW Bridge? Fuggedaboutit

Ah the pure politics in the United States of New Jersey. Who could possibly imagine for one moment that the saintly Governor Christie would ever pull off such a dirty deed as to totally screw up the traffic in Fort Lee because he didn’t get Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich’s endorsement for Governor? Fuggedaboutit. It just didn’t happen. Governor Christie pleads the fifth. How dare you accuse such a Republican icon of playing dirty politics. He didn’t stop the garbage pick up in Newark because of Cory Booker did he? No the guys a prince.

Governor Christie would make a great President! Imagine him dealing with the other dignitaries of the world. What culture and class. He’d tell them to kiss his fat ass! He’d say: “None of your damn business Putin, Merkel, Abbot or that frikkin’ jack off Pope Francis.” Hell he’d even tell Rush Limbaugh where he can stick it. Any problems? Just make a phone call and “take care of that thing”. Fuggedaboutit. He’s with me. He’s okay. I swear on my Mother’s grave.

People ya gotta stop picking on this guy. Look at all the great shit he’s done. He frikkin’ vetoed a minimum wage increase! He said no to marriage equality. No way to equal pay for those dumb broads. Stricter gun laws? What the frikkin’ hell you crazy? What’s Gino gonna do without a piece to protect the drug money at the pizzeria? Increase taxes for the wealthy? Again, are you deaf? This man is out for justice. Jobs bills my ass. Let them earn their way up like the rest of us wise guys. We paid our dues. Christie’s a prince, you can take that to the grave. Fuggedaboutyou!

“As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster” — Henry Hill (played by Ray Liotta) in Goodfellas

“Leave the gun, take the cannolis” — Capo in the Clemenza family (played by Richard Castellano) in The Godfather

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Tea Baggers Zero/ Jersey Goombas One

The election results are in! The votes have been counted. The message is clear. If the Republicans have any chance of staying in the next Presidential election they have to stick with candidates that can grease the competition rather than deny them oral sex and sodomy. Better to stick with a guy who can deliver the goods than a pansy who is lousy in bed and frightened of vaginas. Weight was clearly not a factor here, nor was any serious look at voting records that should be of more import. Instead the United States of New Jersey reelected their stately Monarch, the Godfather of Trenton, Chris Christie. The man with a name so nice they named him twice!

Ken Cuccinelli (know as “The Cooch” to his minions; how ironic) bit on the big one in Virginia. Didn’t matter that Virginia is for lovers his campaign was out to deflower the state right out of Bacchanalian debauchery and take us back to the time of Leviticus. Even Ayn Rand Paul campaigning for him did not help his anti anal endeavors. Despite his name ending in a vowel he was simply not the type to get it done when it counted. His flaccid campaign simply petered out and never came. The tea baggers had no imagination to stiffen him up and thrust him into the Governorship. Even with his outspoken hatred of all things Obama; he was thwarted by a prophylactic Democrat. All hail Governor Terry McAulliffe the new sultan of swing in Virginia. Maybe now the state can be for lovers again! Vaginal, Oral or Anal it’s a triple threat!

Let that be a hard lesson to all the ancient thinking Republicans who want a shot at being the next President. You can give us all the dope we can smoke but sometimes we just, depending on your persuasion of course, want to smoke the sausage, pin the tail on the donkey and rub one out for the Gipper! “If a man lay with another he must be stoned” it says in Leviticus. Damn straight and it better be some good herb. So keep the damn government out of the bedroom. Start doing some actual work in Washington. Save the Earth and stop wasting our time with arguing. Leave your stupid religion and outrageous moral demands at home and face reality before there is no Earth left to leave to our children.

“There is more stupidity than Hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.” — Frank Zappa

“I don’t believe in dressing up reality. I don’t believe in using make up to make things look smoother.” — Lou Reed

“Two Rock and Roll Icons. These are the true moral men of our time who both passed away too soon.” — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Christie Goes Rogue; Give ’em Hell Harry; Get Well Hillary

Somehow the disaster relief bill for hurricane Sandy did not qualify for a last minute vote in the House, a bill that had already passed in the Senate. Boehner struck again and cancelled the vote in retaliation after his two capos, Cantor and McCarthy refused to fall in line and vote in favor of the fiscal cliff deal. Political posturing has no place in times of desperate need. Look for quick changes in the line of succession as the new congress convenes. If the alleged Capo de tutti capi can’t control his lieutenants it’s time for a changing of the guard. Looks like the New Jersey Governor Chris Christie took stern notice of the lack of concern for his state. It’s quite obvious that the House mafia doesn’t realize how a “Jersey Boy” takes care of things when the family gets out of hand. Rumor has it that there is a plot in the meadow-lands already picked out for the old house speaker.

Meanwhile very quietly and under the wire the Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid was tirelessly at work today making many federal appointments with a solid majority and no debate today on the Senate floor. This was under the auspices of Republican Minority leader Mitch McConnell who had recently been in a standoff with Reid over the Fiscal Cliff negotiations. Enter Joe Biden with solid experience in negotiating with McConnell. Who can conjecture what actually went down but the result is Harry made many appointments with no objections whatsoever. Thank you Joe and Harry for doling out a little Hades when necessary.

The Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was released from hospital today! This lady is one of the most capable leaders on the planet. It was great to see her happy family with her as she was released. We all wish her a quick and strong recovery. The Democratic party has designs on her as the front runner in a 2016 bid as the parties’ nominee for president. But, who knows? 2016 is still a long way off. By then maybe Chris Christie will have flipped to the Democratic party! Maybe he can see the light and try to run an up and coming United States of America. After all he is in charge right now of the United States of Jersey — no small feat unto itself!

“The Government itself is like running the Sopranos and they sit back and they make deals. And they say okay, ‘I’m going to do this: France you’re going to get the pipelines.'” — George Clooney

“Individual commitment to a group effort – that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work.” — Vince Lombardi

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween