Hemp, Horsemeat & Tupac Rubio Da G

Let’s grow hemp in Kentucky. We need a massive project immediately to make hemp the largest Kentucky cash crop. It’s way more drought and climate change resistant than corn. It is a totally viable new cash crop. It’s versatile fibers can be used for everything from denim to sheetrock. It has support from the Senate! Kentucky wonder Mitch McConnell has announced support for this agricultural panacea of a plant. Randal Howard Paul is sporting stylish white shirts manufactured from its fashionable fibers. No longer should we stop Woody Harrelson from sowing the seeds of cannabis. We can feed the leaves to all the wonderful horses in Kentucky. Instead of the Run for the Roses it can be the Dash for the Stash!

Speaking of horses they are now on the menu in many European countries masquerading as beef! Through various discreet channels butchers are grinding and slicing up many an old steed to feed their need for meaty treats. Scotland Yard is on the case and it’s not the Hound of the Baskervilles it’s the Old Ponies from Shetland! Imagine the look on your Romanian Uncle’s face when you explain to him that the kebab he’s enjoying is actually an old bony pony from Shropshire! At least in the United States we know where our pink slime comes from. Remember that no part of a steer is wasted in Texas. God forbid that in this great country we would try to misrepresent our fine meat products.

Which brings us to our Cuban Pork Sandwich, Tupac Rubio! Remarkable speech and rebuttal this G man gave last night to the State of the Union address. He was all up in there with the truth as he laid it out for his peeps by defending the need for gold and driving dirty. We need a guy with street cred like Rubio to put all those crackers back in place. Here’s an idea: a new Hip Hop band of Rubio and his Gmen! Think of it! Ted Nugent could establish a machine gun like beat, Rush Limbaugh could spout out the bass and Reince Priebus (Prince Remus) could rap off with Tupac Rubio about how they all give a crap about all you rich white folk sittin’ up there on the hill with your courvoisier and Hos.

“I don’t have no fear of death. My only fear is coming back reincarnated.” — Tupac Shakur

“Mr. Rubio you cannot hide behind that water bottle as you would your Mother’s teat. Your countenance belies your words however much you wish to conceal it.” — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Costas Stands Tall; Bob Dole Rolls; Boehner is still well, a Boehner

Bob Costas stood tall on gun control this past week. First by quoting an article by Fox Sports Columnist Jason Whitlock at halftime on Sunday which stated: “If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.” On Tuesday he defended his remarks by appearing on NBC’s Last Word With Lawrence O’Donell. He spoke of the gun crazy society we now live in which supports a literal wild west mentality among certain segments of our society. Thank you Bob Costas for striking a nerve. It looks like you pissed off the fearless vitriol spewing Ted Nugent as well as a host of other gunpowder snorting lunatic fringe types! Bravo!

Speaking of the lunatic fringe, the bill supporting equal rights for handicapped people worldwide was shot down in the Senate on Tuesday. Despite the fact that the respectable former Senator Bob Dole appeared in his wheelchair and appealed for the ratification of this worldwide treatise. Perhaps if the treatise did not have the supposedly communist organization the United Nations attached to it it might have passed. Too bad that the powerful NRA had not put their stamp of approval on it. Not surprisingly former Pennsylvannia Senator Rick Santorum spoke publicly againt the treatise calling it: “A direct assualt on us.” Say no more Rick! Get Clancy and the boys and surround the barn!

Now back to the looming fiscal precipice. The fantastic chasm of doom into which we are about to plummet. Fret not it seems the plunge is imminent. The Grand Old Party refuses to budge and all Boehner’s best buds have come out to play. McConell is apparently laughing out loud devising a plan to use the debt limit to further reduce the country’s credit rating. Cantor is his usual nouveaux Virginia aristocracy self with his head so far up into his own arse he needs a proctologist to ever see daylight again. Boehner simply spray tans himself while he smokes and poses in front of a mirror practicing seventy different ways to say “no progress has been made” . We need a legislative branch of the government that does what we hire them to do. Not a bunch of out of touch puppets who rule at the pleasure of a select few. Tally Ho to the cliff we go! Maybe this is the real Tea Party! No representation without taxation!

“No representation without taxation!” — Jake Shween

“Never underestimate the power of the State to act out its’ own massive fantasies.” — Don DeLillo

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

The columnist expresses regret at the loss of Jovan Belcher and Kasandra Perkins. Our deepest sympathy and heartfelt condolences to the families of both these dearly departed people.

Nugent Rewrites ‘Journey to the Center of the Mind’; Now called: ‘Journey to the Center of the Bunghole!’

In case you missed it Ted Nugent shot his mouth off the other day at an NRA rally. This is a figurative representation of course from a man who is known for such genius works as: Kill it and Grill It, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Cat Scratch Fever and one of his first hits with The Amboy Dukes, Journey to the Center of the Mind. Ted dear boy it seems you did not smoke enough of the peace weed back in the day or perhaps you neglected to meditate on peace like your band mates did. It appears that all those random sexual acts you engaged in overloaded your neural network with a flood of testosterone causing you to think that violent acts towards living things including your very own neighbors who don’t agree with your blood lust perversion is some kind of solution for your obvious lack of social skills and tact. Perhaps you should go with your flow and write a new song about a coyote peeing on your couch!

Can you imagine that a powerful lobby like the NRA  would engage in such rabble rousing and encourage such animosity and hatred towards fellow human beings? Why yes of course! Isn’t this the very same organization that wants to arm everyone until we return to the wild west? How sad the the very people who need evolution the most are the ones who don’t believe in it and seek to have the theory quashed altogether in our educational system. The people who fight against abortion tooth and nail would like everyone to grow up first and then shoot each other. Apparently this makes for better television and biblical prophesy.

No sooner had Ted gone ballistic above and beyond the call of the idiotic at the blood thirsty NRA rally than did he reappear the next day to reiterate his brand of hate on the radio show of the Fox Network fired Glenn Beck the self ordained clown prince of violent stupidity and cockamamie conspiracy theory. Nice to see birds of a feather still flock together. If only there was a way we could safely transport these petulant lunatics to a cordoned off insane preserve where they could play with guns to their hearts’ content without harming any innocent people. They could swap conspiracy theories around camp fires and dine on uncooked animal intestines.

This should serve as a wake up call to the GOP. Look at the violent fools you have brought into your fold. Is it really worth making these kinds of associations for the sake of an election? What will you do to appease these violent people in the future? Do you really expect them to be satisfied without them killing something or God forbid someone?

It is perfectly alright to disagree with the way things are being run in and around Washington DC, but the way to change things is not with acts of violence. The civilized way to change things is with intelligent and patient discourse with the whole world as your witness.

“People kill people and guns make it easy and impersonal.”— Jake Shween

“Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.”— Gore Vidal

 Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween