New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Death in the Produce Aisle; Genetically Modified Truths

He stood in the produce aisle debating what to eat for dinner that night. Several vegetables caught his eye and brought up visions of culinary delights. The crookneck squash looked particularly delectable with its bright glossy yellow skin. Next to that a bin of ears of corn. The ears were large and firm. They also appeared perfectly edible. The produce person was sorting through the broccoli and arranging fresh bunches. He politely asked the store employee, “are these vegetables genetically modified?”. “I’m really not sure.” answered the broccoli sorter. ‘Hmmm’ the man thought. ‘Maybe I’ll give them a try.’

He tore a plastic bag off the dispenser and loaded it with six ears of corn. Three for a dollar he thought, better get six. As far as the squash he loaded up the bag with what he guessed was two pounds of golden goodness. Curiously as he turned to the scale he noticed a man dressed in camouflage was eyeing him from behind the green beans. ‘That’s strange,’ he thought, ‘what’s he looking at me for?’ He turned and walked up to the next aisle which was filled with condiments including vinegar and salad dressing.

Reaching down to grab a jar of his favorite mayonnaise he felt a strange sensation tearing through his left quadricep. He stumbled back and slammed into the shelf behind him. Several jars of mustard fell on his head and shoulders. He looked up to see the man in camouflage standing over him with a glock pistol. It was aimed squarely at his forehead. “What did I do?” he managed to spit out despite the pain. “Why you were going to buy those genetically engineered vegetables you stupid son of a bitch”, growled the vigilante. “I am going to kill you quick, they would’ve killed you slow!”

‘Great,’ he thought to himself, ‘I am going to be killed by a frikking gun happy lunatic over a dosing of roundup.’ ‘Talk about a genetically modified vegetable, who modified this lunatic’s brain?’ Crack, crack the pistol exhorted. Soon his brains and blood were slowly leaking into the spilled mustard. Mixing into a bizarre dressing on the grocery store floor. “Clean up in aisle five!” the gun happy man proclaimed. “Call the police!” screamed an elderly man.

Five minutes later the police arrived. After the shell shock across the country there were five cruisers pulled up to the front of the store in three minutes flat. Seven policemen surrounded the glock wielding murderer demanding he drop his weapon immediately. Curiously the man complied and gently lowered his shiny pistol to the floor. An officer approached him and began to recite his Miranda rights. When he was finished the trembling man let himself be handcuffed and was led away without a struggle.

“Why did you do it?” the sergeant said as he carefully put the man in the back of the patrol car? “We are all going to die anyway, don’t you see?,” the murderer whispered, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I was just helping him out. If my bullet hadn’t got him he would’ve gotten cancer from those vegetables. We are all being lied to every day. Lies, lies and more lies. Don’t you see it? Nobody gives a damn anymore!” The sergeant closed the car door when the man had finished. ‘How many more of these Goddamn lunatics have guns?’ the sergeant thought to himself.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Get off the cell phone and drive! — Jake Shween

Showdown at the NRA Corral

The time has come for the sane people of this country to take a stand against the violence that has intruded into our lives. We can no longer ignore the outbreaks of violence and death that occur every single day in this country of free thinkers. It is absolutely outrageous that the National Rifle Association can suggest that the solution to the violent deaths caused by firearms every day is by arming more people. An analogy to this would be like suggesting that the solution to stupidity is, by golly, more damn stupidity. Bravo NRA you have truly outworn your welcome.

What started as an honorable society to promote hunting, conservation of wildlife through population control as well as marksmanship has turned into a far right wing organization that defends the right of American citizens to own military killing machines. These are the assault weapons that have been center stage in our most recent spree of heinous and nightmarish murders. These are murders that made policemen and firemen, our fellow citizens that we have hired and have sworn to protect us, our most valiant breed of first responders, sick and horrified at the scenes of these crimes.  If we are truly a civilized country as we claim to be we shall stop right now and make drastic changes to these ridiculous gun laws that we have in place.

We have watched as the NRA has taken the interests of sportsmen and twisted them into the interests of right wing survivalists. Twisting the Second Amendment of the Constitution into a self serving violent clause when at the time it was written it was meant to prevent a possible British insurgency from retaking the country we fought so hard to free in the Revolutionary war. It is time for the saner of us to step up and tell these bad children to step down and admit that the solution is not more guns at all but to put an end to the dispersion and apparent hoarding of such killing devices into the hands of every schmoe who has legs to walk into a gun shop or gun show and slap money down and buy them.

The NRA in its despotic behavior has purchased venal Congressmen who have enacted legislation rendering the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms impotent to protect us by simply enforcing many of the gun laws that are currently on the books! We need to wake up and take action. We can cite the examples of how gun laws can and do work by comparing the United States to such countries as Japan and Great Britain where due to very strict gun law enforcement these crimes hardly occur. This is a problem whose time has come. Stand up and be counted!

Mental bearing (calmness), not skill, is the sign of a matured samurai. A Samurai therefore should neither be pompous nor arrogant.” — Tsukahara Bokuden.

“Master the divine techniques of the Art of Peace and no enemy will dare to challenge you.” — Ueshiba

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Flight 101 (Burning Man 9)

Eddie Sargavy stood in the terminal at the Montreal Trudeau international airport staring at the departure screen. He sipped his coffee and shook his head. He hadn’t missed his flight this time. His flight had been cancelled. He looked at his watch then wondered why since the time seemed to be posted everywhere like an inescapable fate. It was 1:01 pm. Ironically that was his flight number. There was a bad storm moving up the easy coast and all the flights to JFK had been cancelled.

He walked outside the terminal and lit a cigarette. Just as well he thought to himself. Something in his mind remembered that flight 101 was not a flight to be on. He remembered other flight 101’s crashing somewhere. He finished his coffee and spit into his cup. “101st Airborne” he said aloud. The woman standing next to him heard and moved away. He thought about history. The 101st, the Screaming Eagles, that was the “Band of Brothers”. Among their many heroic exploits one was being an integral piece of Operation Overlord in World War II. In Vietnam they were famous for outstanding bravery in the battle of Hamburger Hill. He choked up a bit and wiped his eyes. Eddie was not a man who stood still. He went back into the terminal. He would rent a car and drive to New York.

Eddie flew down the highway in his full size, brand new Dodge Charger. He had passed through customs quickly as he had nothing to declare. Heck he’d been through the border so many times he felt like he should know all the customs agents on a first name basis. It felt good to be on the move again. Never mind that he was tired, he was on his way home.

He thought about his presentation that morning. He had ended up winging the whole thing. The more he had talked the better he felt. Eddie was a pro. It didn’t matter that his heart wasn’t in it. He was glad it was over with and the client, Truefoam, seemed satisfied. He had the radio blasting loudly. The satellite radio was perfect for these extended drives. No station flipping necessary. The October scenery in the Adirondack mountains was beautiful. He only wished it was summertime and the daylight would last longer. A glance at the gas gauge and the rumbling of his stomach told him it was time to refuel and grab a bite. Just outside of Albany he took an exit that offered gas and a bag of cheeseburgers within spitting distance of each other.

Eddie turned down his radio as he pulled off the ramp. He had been blasting a song by Tito Puente. He loved the Latin salsa and was thankful the satellite radio had a station dedicated to that sound. It was dark out now but the air was still friendly. He pulled up to the pump, ready for a stretch. Yawning as he locked the doors he went inside to relieve himself. It felt good to be out of the car if only for a minute.

Returning to the car with six cheeseburgers and a large coffee he noticed a car of teenagers had pulled up a short distance away. The music blasted out of the vehicle. He could hear the vibrations as he stooped inside the Charger to put the burgers and the coffee inside. What was the recent story in Florida? Oh yes, he thought, some lunatic had sprayed bullets into a car when he thought the music was too loud. It reminded him of a time years ago when he was with his precious wife Gloria, a beautiful girl from Cuba. They were taking a road trip in his Pontiac Bonneville which had come with a brand new 8 track player. They had pulled into a full service station outside of Baton Rouge. Birdland blasted from their car. He leaned over and kissed Gloria. Just then a rather nondescript man walked by. “Turn that Spic shit down!” he said loudly. Eddie complied, he felt sheepish. He was nineteen years old and had been married for a month. He wondered where that burst of hatred had come from.

He finished pumping his gas and pulled away. The music from the teenagers’ car still resonated in his ears. He liked a different kind of music but he’d be damned if he’d ever shoot somebody over such a ridiculous thing. “The world is a fucked up place” he said aloud. He hit the gas so hard his tires screeched. The advantages of a rental he thought. He thought about Gloria who had died of cancer years earlier. He knew she could never be replaced so he had never given it a second thought. He was married to his job ever since.

As he hit the entrance ramp to 87 south, Tito came on the radio. It was “Jam En El Bario”. Eddie hit the gas hard and wondered aloud, “aren’t we all our brother’s keeper?”. A light rain had begun to fall.

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Guns, Nuts and Government Ruts

Maybe in a thousand years or so Americans will finally figure out that having a lot of guns laying around is bound to increase the probability that someone will be shot. Seems rather obvious when you think about it doesn’t it? When there is a lot of jellyfish in the ocean you likely will get stung if you go in the water. If there’s poison ivy all over the place outside you might very well step in it. The more there is of it around the greater the chance of contact. Wasps flying everywhere increases the possibility of getting stung; you get the picture now don’t you? Why are there so many people in denial of such an obvious logical conclusion? It’s hard to believe that people are just that stupid!

Speaking of nuts we need to heal our relationship with Iran while the door is opening. Never mind that they aren’t all clones of us. Forget the xenophobia you learned from the haters. The majority of Iranian people like the same things that we do: Video games, fast cars, rock & roll and movies with a little bit of hooch on the side. Their new president, Hasan Rouhani seems to be willing to negotiate and talk in a level headed manner we have not seen for many years. Let’s hear him out! Soon he will be addressing the United Nations and we need to listen carefully. Have you ever seen a pistachio nut from Iran!? They are as big as your thumb! Nowhere in the world are they as large and tasty. We need to lift trade sanctions and restore these bombs of nutrition to our tables as soon as possible!

 

Which brings us to the same old bombastic bologna happening in Congress. Once again the Republican stooges are threatening to shut down the government and not pay America’s debts if the Affordable Health Care act gets any funding in the new budget. Rush Limbaugh is calling for a “complete repeal and to start from scratch”. How about instead of that we have a complete repeal of Congress and start from scratch! The American people are overdue for leaders that will represent them and not the insurance companies, multinational corporations (big oil) and Wall Street bankers. The tea baggers have quickly outworn their welcome and proven that they are nothing more than corporate shills. It’s time we put the needs of the many above those of the privileged few.

Limbaugh Bloviating (see above)

“The miracle is this: The more we share the more we have.” — Leonard Nimoy

“Man has such a predilection for systems and abstract deductions that he is ready to distort the truth intentionally, he is ready to deny the evidence of his senses only to justify his logic.” — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Dear Senator You’re Fired

Shame. Shame on you sad senators who are too cowardly to represent the interests of your people. The people of the United States have collectively agreed that we need to upgrade our nation’s gun control laws. Simple common sense would require background checks to insure that mentally unstable persons, not to mention convicted felons, would not be able to purchase guns!

Instead you evil and venal elected officials have once again been led by the nose by the ever present National Rifle Association. You have illustrated again and again that you have no spine to stand up to powerful lobbies and special interests. In reality many of you have become nothing more than highly paid prostitutes. The American citizen is ignored while you spread your legs for your chosen lobby of the week.

This will not stand. The current political climate is changing. Soon you will be out of a job. There are beds waiting for your legislative derriers at the home for old hookers. The best thing would be to take you ignoramuses off of the government payroll immediately!  If you can’t do the job you were elected to do you need to go and go now. In the real working man’s world you would be chopped meat quickly. Tax dollars should be spent wisely and not on a bunch of legislative buffoons!

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Winston Churchill

“Get off the cell phone and Drive!” — Jake Shween

Supreme Court Approves Union of O’Reilly & Limbaugh

In a surprise emergency verdict today the Supreme Court announced the decision to allow the same sex marriage of Bill O’Reilly the esteemed Scranton weather man turned Fox News political pundit and the ‘Jabba the Hut Like’ Rush Limbaugh disseminator of misinformation on the radio! Justice Anton Scalia delivered the unanimous decision of the court allowing that the two ‘incontrovertibly demonstrated’ the ability to argue and feud just like a married couple is apt to do so: ‘why not let the two deviants tie the knot and consummate the union the old fashioned way!’ Great plans for this festive occasion are already under way. Prince Remus (Reince Priebus) has agreed to be the wedding planner!

So far the rumors are that the wedding will take place in South Beach Miami at the luxurious Trump International Beach Resort. The guest list is quite extensive and is sure to grow. The highly steamed and overwhelmingly evil dictator with a bad haircut of the tiny sad country of North Korea, one Kim Jong Un is to preside over the wedding ceremony as he has already been credited by certain lunatic fringe GOP party members to be the cause of unholy matrimony as well as gun control and rampant paranoia among other afflictions of mental paucity. It is only fitting that he preside since he is the cause of such diverse mental dysentery. The best man is sure to be Kim’s best bud the highly tattoed and well punctured former member of the Chicago Bulls basketball team the rebounding and ever eloquent Dennis Rodman! Ann Coulter will be the flower girl but no word yet on whether her bulldog will attend.

Representative Louie Gohmert republican of Texas has been outspoken in his support of such odd partnerships. He actually had predicted that such match ups would surely take place after he confessed his attraction to a Gila monster last November. Prince Remus thinks he has an eye for decorating so he has placed Representative Gohmert in charge of festooning the buffoonery! A Tex Mex theme it may very well be. The illustrious Wayne LaPierre, el presidente of the NRA, will be in charge of catering the event and is sure to provide plenty of fresh red meat for all to consume in corpulent debauchery. Donald Trump has promised full access to his ‘very large Twitter’ to help spread the word!

Bend over Rush and brace yourself! Bible thumping Bill is coming in from behind! Shades of deliverance upon you all! Lord have mercy we’re having a hoe down!

“I’ve always been crazy it keeps me from going insane!” — Waylon Jennings

“When the Democrats flip their kritch like these bastards let me know!”                  — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Showdown at the NRA Corral

The time has come for the sane people of this country to take a stand against the violence that has intruded into our lives. We can no longer ignore the outbreaks of violence and death that occur every single day in this country of free thinkers. It is absolutely outrageous that the National Rifle Association can suggest that the solution to the violent deaths caused by firearms every day is by arming more people. An analogy to this would be like suggesting that the solution to stupidity is, by golly, more damn stupidity. Bravo NRA you have truly outworn your welcome.

What started as an honorable society to promote hunting, conservation of wildlife through population control as well as marksmanship has turned into a far right wing organization that defends the right of American citizens to own military killing machines. These are the assault weapons that have been center stage in our most recent spree of heinous and nightmarish murders. These are murders that made policemen and firemen, our fellow citizens that we have hired and have sworn to protect us, our most valiant breed of first responders, sick and horrified at the scenes of these crimes.  If we are truly a civilized country as we claim to be we shall stop right now and make drastic changes to these ridiculous gun laws that we have in place.

We have watched as the NRA has taken the interests of sportsmen and twisted them into the interests of right wing survivalists. Twisting the Second Amendment of the Constitution into a self serving violent clause when at the time it was written it was meant to prevent a possible British insurgency from retaking the country we fought so hard to free in the Revolutionary war. It is time for the saner of us to step up and tell these bad children to step down and admit that the solution is not more guns at all but to put an end to the dispersion and apparent hoarding of such killing devices into the hands of every schmoe who has legs to walk into a gun shop or gun show and slap money down and buy them.

The NRA in its despotic behavior has purchased venal Congressmen who have enacted legislation rendering the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms impotent to protect us by simply enforcing many of the gun laws that are currently on the books! We need to wake up and take action. We can cite the examples of how gun laws can and do work by comparing the United States to such countries as Japan and Great Britain where due to very strict gun law enforcement these crimes hardly occur. This is a problem whose time has come. Stand up and be counted!

Mental bearing (calmness), not skill, is the sign of a matured samurai. A Samurai therefore should neither be pompous nor arrogant.” — Tsukahara Bokuden.

“Master the divine techniques of the Art of Peace and no enemy will dare to challenge you.” — Ueshiba

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

 

The War on Christmas; If Beck was King; Christmas and Taxes

All hail there is a war on Christmas according to the Fox holes on Fox News. There are entire towns proclaiming bans on Nativity scenes on public property. People there is a simple way around these restrictions on mixing church and state. Simply proclaim that the scenes are in honor of the “Baby Jones”. Most people have long forgotten Jesus’ twin brother Baby Jones. He was not affiliated with any church. He was visited by the three magi who played the cosmic jazz. He was fond of the food of heaven, the holy pancake cooked by the blessed Saint Jemima. Later when he grew up he became a Rastafarian and moved to Ethiopia to found the Cosmic Church! That’s free speech now. It’s just the Baby Jones man. Now on to King Beck of Boobland!

Imagine if you will a world where Glenn Beck was chief of the tribe. Let us quote from the holy book of Beck: “The most used phrase in my administration if I were to be president would be–‘What the hell you mean we’re out of missiles?’.” We would be living in a post apocalypse world. Wow sounds like beyond Thunderdome! Glenn would be the Master Blaster. It might take a nut like Mel Gibson to get back on the good foot and defeat the crazy Glenn Beck. Now there must be a problem when Mel Gibson is considered to be saner than Glenn Beck. If you are so crazy in your exhortations of lunatic histrionics that the Fox holes at Fox News reject you maybe you need your very own network. Maybe you need your own asteroid!

Now you simply can’t declare two wars and cut taxes. That is basic economics 101. Now it’s left to the sane people to clean up the crazy mess that Bushonomics left us in. Merry Christmas, here is the war, it’s a war on sanity in the legislative branch of the United States. Get real Congress. Somebody has to pay for the wars. Why does the burden always seem to go to the little guy? The person who takes great responsibility for their life and their family and who barely scrapes by every week? The person who goes over there to fight these terrible battles!? This unfounded capitalist greed must evolve and change for the better or it will surely be the death of Christmas and eventually the death of us all.

“I am a conservative, but I am not a zombie.” — Glenn Beck

“Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.” — John Maynard Keynes

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Costas Stands Tall; Bob Dole Rolls; Boehner is still well, a Boehner

Bob Costas stood tall on gun control this past week. First by quoting an article by Fox Sports Columnist Jason Whitlock at halftime on Sunday which stated: “If Jovan Belcher didn’t possess a gun, he and Kasandra Perkins would both be alive today.” On Tuesday he defended his remarks by appearing on NBC’s Last Word With Lawrence O’Donell. He spoke of the gun crazy society we now live in which supports a literal wild west mentality among certain segments of our society. Thank you Bob Costas for striking a nerve. It looks like you pissed off the fearless vitriol spewing Ted Nugent as well as a host of other gunpowder snorting lunatic fringe types! Bravo!

Speaking of the lunatic fringe, the bill supporting equal rights for handicapped people worldwide was shot down in the Senate on Tuesday. Despite the fact that the respectable former Senator Bob Dole appeared in his wheelchair and appealed for the ratification of this worldwide treatise. Perhaps if the treatise did not have the supposedly communist organization the United Nations attached to it it might have passed. Too bad that the powerful NRA had not put their stamp of approval on it. Not surprisingly former Pennsylvannia Senator Rick Santorum spoke publicly againt the treatise calling it: “A direct assualt on us.” Say no more Rick! Get Clancy and the boys and surround the barn!

Now back to the looming fiscal precipice. The fantastic chasm of doom into which we are about to plummet. Fret not it seems the plunge is imminent. The Grand Old Party refuses to budge and all Boehner’s best buds have come out to play. McConell is apparently laughing out loud devising a plan to use the debt limit to further reduce the country’s credit rating. Cantor is his usual nouveaux Virginia aristocracy self with his head so far up into his own arse he needs a proctologist to ever see daylight again. Boehner simply spray tans himself while he smokes and poses in front of a mirror practicing seventy different ways to say “no progress has been made” . We need a legislative branch of the government that does what we hire them to do. Not a bunch of out of touch puppets who rule at the pleasure of a select few. Tally Ho to the cliff we go! Maybe this is the real Tea Party! No representation without taxation!

“No representation without taxation!” — Jake Shween

“Never underestimate the power of the State to act out its’ own massive fantasies.” — Don DeLillo

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

The columnist expresses regret at the loss of Jovan Belcher and Kasandra Perkins. Our deepest sympathy and heartfelt condolences to the families of both these dearly departed people.