The Lost Boys Run; The Wooden Dummy and The Rhinestone Cowboy

The Game is officially begun and the contestants have been announced. We now have established a Republican ticket for the ages. Please be prepared for some of the lowest intellectual levels of political advertising and discourse this country has ever seen. We have the marvelous Wooden Dummy in the form of Willard Mitt Romney. Watch how he grins, grimaces waves his finger and retreats. If you thought Ronald Regan was a puppet for the right wing haters you ain’t seen nothing yet. God forbid this Republican buffoon should ever divulge his taxes. Rumor now has it that he committed a felony for which he was granted amnesty! What is really hiding in the returns he won’t divulge? Ooops! Sounds like a felony! Uh oh Hot Dog!

Enter our heroic vice presidential nominee the illustrious Rhinestone Cowboy, Paul Ryan the buccaneer budgeteer. Never mind that he once embraced the teachings of the avowed capitalist, atheist and feminist upstart Ayn Rand. Why this Rhinestone Cowboy even once claimed that her teachings were the very reason he chose politics as his career. He went so far as to require that every member of his staff read her capitalist manifesto: Atlas Shrugged. Of course this was much to the horror and chagrin of the God fearing Catholic Americans who he now embraces whole heartedly. Sadly they no longer seem to embrace him at all. Will the genuine Rhinestone Cowboy please stand up? Perhaps not, it seems he is duplicitous at best. Smoking Joe Biden is more interesting. At least he shoots from the hip and says what he’s thinking.

This should make for some delightful debates both presidential and vice presidential. God willing the debates will advance the level of rhetoric beyond uttering falsehoods and distortions of reality. Watch as each side retreats to their corners to consult the cut man before the bell rings. Notice that certain constituents on both sides have suddenly gotten very quiet. Is there a smoking gun that at the last moment will bring down the Wooden Dummy? Time will tell and meantime enjoy the show. McCain and Palin were just the warm up act for the Wooden Dummy and the Rhinestone Cowboy.

“Where hustle’s the name of the game
And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain
There’s been a load of compromisin’
On the road to my horizon
But I’m gonna be where the lights are shinin’ on me” — from the song: Rhinestone Cowboy written by Larry Weiss

“It’s not the way he says it, it’s what he said, but what can you say with a wooden head? Whether the time is cloudy or the time is sunny it’s always time for Jimmy the talking dummy” — from the song: Jukie’s Ball by Dan Hicks

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

A Warm Dick, A Cold Bush and Romney’s Secret Heart

Never seem to run out of material on the GOP hot dog Sir Romney of Mitt. Apparently he has a secret heart which he wishes to share with the NAACP. It was so delightful to see him actually spill out his plan to save African Americans from their plight. What a genuine and sincere man. Why I bet he’s even going to reveal his secret holdings in Bermuda to prove his sincerity. After all wasn’t he very swift in admitting that his health care plan he instituted when he was Governor of Massachusetts is the EXACT same plan that Barrack Obama put into place? We should never doubt the secret heart of this paladin, this superb example of pulchritude and luminosity.

Gosh how carefully and cleverly he has distanced himself from ex-President George W. Bush! What a clever manoeuvre to stay far away from the former GOP President who was losing jobs at the rate of 750,000 per month when he left office! Oh My! The very man who brought us into two wars, gave the rich huge tax cuts and fled during a banking crisis leaving the entire mess for the next guy to clean up! But wait he did actually endorse Sir Romney of Mitt! George said: “I’m for Mitt Romney”, as the elevator doors were closing on him. How symbolic and strangely appropriate. Sounds like a cold Bush!

Now Dick Cheney is opening his doors to Sir Romney of Mitt. Dick is warming up and hosting a reception at the Teton Pines country club in Wyoming. Big GOP rainmakers are sure to be in attendance. Later they will attend a dinner in Dick’s home in Wilson Wyoming. Maybe Dick can school him on how to be less charming and more of a Dick! This might help when the U.S. is negotiating on sensitive issues with foreign dignitaries and Sir Romney of Mitt is wielding the scepter. Maybe this is the obvious solution. Romney has a secret heart which calls for more Dick and less Bush. The bumper sticker would be awesome!

“Politics is the entertainment branch of Industry.” — Frank Zappa

“PETA is not happy that my dog likes Fresh Air.” — Willard Mitt Romney

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

The Death Panel Speaks; Fear and Loathing on First Street

Imagine if you will a world without doctors. A world where if you are sick and dying your fate is decided by judges instead of doctors and nurses. As you lay dying on the operating table you are surrounded by apparent experts on the law and its applications. It’s reminiscent of a black mass. They are all dressed in robes. You think it’s your appendix as the pain is in your side however more than half of these judges are prepared to give you brain surgery. As you lay there writhing in pain they argue as to which among them should wield the knife and cut something.

The room is dark and foreboding. Instead of antiseptic aromas all you perceive is the smell of musty tomes of musty words. Instead of a scalpel a dark figure hovers over your helpless body with what appears to be a letter opener. Another holds a gavel. The gavel rises and crashes into your temple. Unfortunately you are still half conscious as their macabre ritual proceeds. Finally, since you clutch at your side, the judges, after hours of infighting, decide to stab you in the side. Some of them turn to avert their eyes. Some of them stare with indifference as the crude instrument impales you below the rib. Immediately a mixture of blood and water flow out.

Life ebbs out of you slowly as the black figures circle you. Behind them you can see rows and rows of books that are filled with nothing that can help save your life. Did any of them consult a doctor before deciding to impale you with such a crude instrument? No that would have been too kind and merciful. Instead they proceeded to ignore any healing procedure whatsoever. They acted solely upon their apparent expertise at something, something which had no purpose other than to officiate argument. Sadly you die. One of many faced by the death panel. Profits remain sacred. Human life is but a trifle. The law must be upheld at any cost!

“If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.” — Hunter S. Thompson

“Politics is the art of controlling your environment.” — Hunter S. Thompson

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Fast and Furiously Ignoring the Obvious

Anyone watching the news this past week would have found the congressional grilling of the current Attorney General Eric Holder at center stage. Somehow with the congressional approval rating at an unprecedented low these republican clowns can still find time to divert the countries attention from the fact that they have stonewalled every Obama initiative at every turn. So instead our tax money is now paying to watch these boobs grill the attorney general about a program that had little effect on the country other than to possibly help out the NRA by bringing more guns into public circulation.

Where is Alberto Gonzales at a time like this? We need a champion of Attorney General Justice from the former glory days of the Bush administration. You know, the guy who willfully fired U.S. Attorneys that Bush had hired in the middle of their terms because they refused to enforce Republican principles and or initiatives. Thankfully Fox News has hired this legal wiz kid as a talking head. Now if he would only get on his soap box and let us know the proper punishment for Eric Holder instead of harping on the pending Supreme Court decision regarding the Obama Health Care initiative. Or having the asinine audacity to proclaim that Obama is violating his oath of office with his new immigration announcement.

Once again lawyers are proving why they make such lousy leaders. Most of them would rather hear themselves talk than make any progress towards a better future for everyone. Their biggest thrills come from out bullying each other. What’s that you say? Obama is a lawyer? Indeed he is and a graduate of Harvard Law School at that. He’s needed now as he is up against a prime example of a bully from the business world. Willard Mitt Romney of Bain Capital. Check out the picture of him and his cronies waving cash around back in the eighties. What a country!

What a gleeful bunch of guys! How cheery to think of them as rich elitists running things! What rascally frat gags can we expect if Romney gets elected?

“A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

“I can make more generals but horses cost money!” — Abraham Lincoln

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Waiting On The Trickle Down

Clem stared at the copper tube winding down from the top of the still. The tip rested on  a porcelain jug that sat on an upturned crate. He was quietly mumbling to himself as he had done every night for the last seven years. “Dang God of the still have mercy, lemme see a trickle down of your blessed juice.” The stool he sat on creaked as his knees knocked together. A fat spider scrambled underneath the copper pot where the fire should have been. The kerosene lamp sputtered. Clem got up and turned the wick up a bit. “Damn” he muttered “seven years and not a drop”.

Just then he heard a rustle in the dirt behind him. He turned around and with a jaundiced eye saw his neighbor Billie standing in the door of the ramshackle shed. “Clem you have plum lost your foolish mind,” proclaimed Billie. “For seven damn years you’ve been huddled over this stinkin’ still every night waiting for a trickle from that cold pot. I told you once I told you a thousand times welladay you got to light a fire for that damn thing to work.” Clem stood up and spat out a chunk of tobacco he’d been roiling in his mouth. “Shaddup Billie. Just shaddup. You know this here is a magic still. I got it from the old still god Ronnie Reagan. He said there is no way it wont work afore he dropped dead.” Billie shook his head. He took off his hat and held it like a preacher. “Clem old pal, every day you work for that mean old straw boss Willard. You give him and his people all your best corn. You shovel out his stables. You done break your back every day working at Rove Farm. Not once have they ever done a thing for you. A man like you oughtta wake up and smell the coffee!”

“Aw hell” Clem grumbled. Billie turned and ceremoniously replaced his hat on his head and walked away into the night. “Plum foolish old coot, be dead afore he sees a trickle.” As Billie got further away his words echoed in Clem’s head. Clem thought to himself what he had been told. If he did what the straw boss Willard told him to do everyday. If he kept the Rove farm clean and free of undesirables. If he gave all his best corn up to them. The magic Reagan still was supposed to trickle down. He imagined in his head hundreds of full jugs of the sweet elixer. He remembered that Reagan once told him that: “Facts are stupid things.” In his mind he agreed. He was glad Billie had gone. He sat back down on the stool, his knees knocked together. He grabbed another wad of tobacco and took up his mumbling. “Dang God of the still have mercy, lemme see a trickle down of your blessed juice.”

“Facts are stupid things.” — Ronald Reagan

“Money doesn’t talk it swears.” — Bob Dylan from the song: It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween