New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Government, Insurance and Socialism

What do those three words conjure up for you? Visions of big government peering over your shoulder and raiding your still? Insurance payments due so you can go see a doctor without taking an ambulance from your apartment to the emergency room? A return to the horrific days of Mussolini, Hitler and fascist dictatorships that are perverse versions of socialist states? Sadly in many cases of modern Grand Old Party propaganda that is the exact image they want you to think of. They seek to use scare tactics to keep the oligarchy (read oil consortium) in place. Rule by the privileged few who can afford to buy the government representatives aka puppets they need to keep themselves in power.

In less than one week the people of the United States of America must make a crucially important decision. Will we follow a puppet who professes disdain for half of this country or will we embrace a straight shooting visionary with the courage to stand up to the military industrial complex? This past week gave us further reason to embrace the latter. Most people don’t want big government to interfere with their lives that is unless they are faced with a natural disaster that is so gigantic that they themselves nor their cities or states have the resources or the funding to pay for disaster relief. Think on it now. What constitutes that relief? Why it’s simply a bit of “Government Insurance” paid for by our collected taxes in what the naysayers would define as a system of Socialism!

What a concept that we would need help! But the cold hard fact is we do!. Every day we need help to survive Every day think of all the things you have learned from past generations, teachers and the like. Even if you spend days in isolation you still must depend on the knowledge you have acquired from others to survive. If you are faced with a natural disaster, a cataclysmic event that destroys everything you know and love, the need for a socialist structure of aid and recovery becomes a life giving necessity. Call it a form of Government Insurance. Think of it next time you pay your taxes. Think of it when you pull the lever or press on the screen to elect the President of the United States for the next four years!

“The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.” — Winston Churchill

“We either need to redefine socialism and the negative connotations it importunes or replace it with a better ideal such as egalitarianism.” — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Letter From God

Dear Humanity,

We use that term to be civil. “Dear” meaning in this case: precious. “Humanity” meaning in this case: the human race. The latter term has been disappointing of late as some of those who claim to be human choose to show the basest characteristics of this species which is ironic since many of you have the audacity to claim to be descended from our form or image. In any case, we digress,  back to the letter. Please refrain from bothering us any more as we simply can’t help any of you. It is up to all of you to come together and start taking care of the earth. We thought the instructions were simple enough but apparently not for all of you.

Please stop blaming us in any way shape or form for your shortcomings. These include your ever popular crimes of murder and rape. We have nothing to do with these wicked and heinous things that you do. You have free will. Please refer to your original contracts and note the disclaimer therein. Do not involve us in your political squabbles and stupid rivalries. Stop arguing as to which of our representatives you like, dislike, love or hate the most as these feelings and emotions will avail you nothing. If your team wins the game don’t even thank us because frankly we couldn’t care less either way. Stop screaming our names and perpetuating the myth that somehow we could have prevented or caused your misery.

The path for your mutual happiness lies in your ability to help each other. You must learn to share your gifts with each other. There is nothing to be gained from gathering the most to yourself. The earth, like your humanity, is fragile and easily damaged and destroyed. The sooner you learn how to cooperate on an international level the closer you will be to the heaven that you seem to crave and dream about.

Why, you might ask do we refer to ourselves as we? It is because we exist on all the different levels of time and space and the continuum. We possess the mindset of both the male and female principles. We wear the mask of eternity. Consciousness is simply one aspect of knowledge. To know all one must understand the reality of absolute nothing. That cannot, on this three dimensional plane, be shared …….

“Names can be named but not the Eternal Name.” —- Lao Tzu

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Groucho Marx

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

A Divided House; A Leaking Roof and A Crumbling Facade

The Government of the United States is broken. Days into the Republican National Convention it becomes crystal clear that the two outspoken factions of our Government can no longer communicate in a civil and courteous manner. The rehearsed rhetoric thus far displayed by the Republicans, the party of the rich, shows us nothing but vitriol and blame. The Founding Fathers certainly expected heated discourse between two parties but at least it was discourse. The parties listened to each other. This civility and respect is now a thing of the past. Now the speeches call upon feelings of animosity and division.

Ironically the Capitol is currently in serious disrepair. The roof is now leaking and the facade is crumbling dangerously. The Senate and the House are not surprisingly unable to agree on the  procurement necessary to repair this damage. This should not be a partisan issue. The building should be a lasting symbol of the history of this once great and democratic country. Shame on these so called public servants who have been so bribed by the oligarchy that they cannot even agree on getting the leak in the roof fixed. How symbolic that this is happening at a time of such vitriol and division. The very building that houses our legislature and appears on the currency of the Nation is crumbling and eroding away as does our values, virtues and ability to compromise let alone communicate.

There comes a time when the very people that we elected to bring about civilization and prosperity must redirect their energy do do just that! For too many years now they have been wined, dined and swayed to be the gigolos of the lobbyists and special interests. For too long the needs of the general populous and the environment have been ignored. The conscience of the country has been mislead, diverted and perverted by outright lies! Right now we are experiencing ad after ad of outright lies! People please hear the truth don’t be swayed by the oligarchy. Big oil is concerned with nothing but profits. The plight of the common man is ignored. Young men die to defend oil fields. The so called rich don’t even want to either fight themselves or even pay for the wars they start! The cowards would rather blame the current President for the huge deficits. Not the wars and the tax cuts that George W. put into place. Their puppets and gigolo friends are in place to carry on their deception. Don’t let your vote be purchased. Defend liberty and defend the planet!

“Words will not be able to ever express how sorry I am for this, and I have profound regret and sorrow for the multitude of mistakes and harm I have caused.” — Jack Abramoff

“If I read the articles about me, and I didn’t know me, I would think I was Satan.” — Jack Abramoff

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Livid Over LIBOR and Other Monopoly Game Trivia

The banks are holding the people ransom for the value of their money. Just think if there weren’t any people all the money would be worthless. The latest scandal involves a collusion between banks setting the interest rates they would charge to lend money to each other. There is something seriously wrong with a system that can so arbitrarily decide the fates of millions of people with just an email asking a banker to fix an interest rate. This has turned into a perverse game corrupted by greed. No longer do these institutions serve any venerable purpose, instead it is now their province to find new and better ways to take our money. None of these money managers create wealth, but they sure know how to steal it.

Without new and firm regulation and resolution this idiocy is bound to continue. The difficulty is to find the few and the rare individuals who hold moral principles higher than their want of power or money. Perhaps this could be a new council instituted by the United Nations. Some sort of panel independent of the International Monetary Fund which has fallen prey to rampant corruption just like governments the world over. Independent of the Multinational Corporations which will, if left unrestrained with the same rights they have in the United States as citizens, eventually control the entire world. The time for change is now.

As mentioned before in this column, the simplest way to explain what has happened is just like in the game Monopoly. Sooner or later certain players own the most valuable resources and real estate and every one else pays. There is no built in system of sharing. The problem with a religious solution is that there are too many different systems of beliefs. It is time for people to forgo their ancient belief structures and venture some new tenets and mores which hold up but one prophet. Namely: The Common Good. A new version of an old idea. Something not based on an old religion of hunter gatherers who where at war with land owners and grain growers. Perhaps we could base it on common sense and preservation of humanity.

“Mother’s in the kitchen picking bones for breakfast
Boiling them down by the bushel and the score
Pull out your thumb and count what’s left of your fist
There’s a wolf at the window with ravening maw.”                                                          — Elvis Costello’s: National Ransom

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Soft Drink Danger and Other Reasons to Leave Home and Vote

This past week saw a wild rumpus ensue when the sometimes controversial Mayor of NYC, Michael Bloomberg decided to ban the sale of sodas over 16 ounces that contain 50 or more calories. Considering all the very real dangers that face us every day it is interesting to zero in on something as relatively harmless as what some consider to be a rather delightful beverage. While it is a fact that government needs to establish certain regulations to protect the populace isn’t this notion of controlling what we choose to drink going a bit far? Next will we be required to consume vegetable juice every day to ensure we get the proper dose of fiber and nutrients? Why not? If the government can forbid us drinking sweetened soda why shouldn’t it require us to drink vegetable juice?

Here’s an idea for all health conscious mayors across the country. Put a ban in place on the use of elevators in all buildings except in emergencies. This would require everyone to use the stairs. What better way to get a work out particularly if one works on the 50th floor? Maybe all the public water fountains should be boosted with vitamin c. That way we could prevent the rampant scurvy that is occurring in our cities. Have the TSA enforce a rule that anyone who wanted to ride the subway for twenty blocks or less would be turned down and forced to walk instead. Never mind inclimate weather! The harsh conditions might burn even more calories. For that matter steakhouses should be forced to serve beef in 6 ounce portions or less. Otherwise a heavy fine should be levied against them to fund cardiologists nationwide!

Dear reader it is easy to see how easy it is for government to overstep its’ bounds and dictate our lives. The Declaration of Independence states:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.–That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

Has the mayor of NYC read these very words? How can it be dictated to us what our personal definition of happiness is? Perhaps ones happiness is guzzling a big gulp on a hot day and belching at a passing police officer. It is a sad day when our country begins to dictate our habits. The term for that is dictatorship as opposed to democracy. Government need not enforce common sense. Let us concentrate our efforts on more vital matters. Perhaps the proliferation of firearms and the clear and present danger the possession and use of such weapons causes. After all, people don’t consume a soda and drop dead like they do when they’re consumed by a bullet.

 “Speaking for the great white father in Washington and all the American people, let me say we respect you savages for your native ability to instantly adapt and survive in whatever Godforsaken wilderness we move you to. Out there. Sign here.” — Firesign Theater from: Waiting for the Electrician or Someone Like Him

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween