Save the Dinosaur in the Senate; Don’t Get ‘Tricky Dicked’

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Recently a very serious situation has developed in the senate and one of our dearest and most ancient demagogues has become endangered. Senator Addison Mitchell (Mitch) McConnell Jr. had been facing a possible run by one Ashley Judd an entertainer known more for her acting abilities than her political views. Fortunately Mitchy had a crack team of scum digging cohorts who were able to insure his survival, albeit for the time being, by digging up dirt on Ashley Judd whom apparently had still not made up her mind and announced any official run for the senate seat of the endangered species of lummox who has been holding up justice and progress for far too long.

Poor Mitchy had suffered an apparent ‘Nixonian bugging’ of his office. This happens when you receive a small Nixon doll in the mail, place it on your bookshelf, and the next thing you know Mother Jones is hawking stories about how very evil you actually are with an honest recording of your thugs plotting against anyone who dared to thwart your despotic behavior. Yes Mitchy was ‘tricky Dicked’! Now the Federal Bureau of Investigation has taken over. Taxpayer money at work doing the important things like protecting our venal elected despots and preserving their right to preserve their particular special interest group unfettered by ethical behavior and such trifles.
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Maybe Rand Paul and ‘Old Mitchy’ can hole up together! They can collect guns, swig whiskey, swap wives and trade stories about shootin’ those yonder revenooers! The Nixon doll will have to go of course. They might be happier with an Ayn Rand doll and maybe a Raggedie Ronnie. Pull the string on Ayn and she says: “The question isn’t  who is going to let me it’s who is going to stop me!”. Ronnie exhorts when you drop him on his head: “Facts are stupid things!”. Why they can amuse themselves in lockstep together as they contemplate how to hold democracy hostage for their own selfish desires. That is of course after they do something important like blocking any overdue debate or common sense bill on gun control!

“Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself.” — Lao Tzu

“If you want beautiful music, you must play the black and the white notes together.” — Richard M. Nixon

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Supreme Court Approves Union of O’Reilly & Limbaugh

In a surprise emergency verdict today the Supreme Court announced the decision to allow the same sex marriage of Bill O’Reilly the esteemed Scranton weather man turned Fox News political pundit and the ‘Jabba the Hut Like’ Rush Limbaugh disseminator of misinformation on the radio! Justice Anton Scalia delivered the unanimous decision of the court allowing that the two ‘incontrovertibly demonstrated’ the ability to argue and feud just like a married couple is apt to do so: ‘why not let the two deviants tie the knot and consummate the union the old fashioned way!’ Great plans for this festive occasion are already under way. Prince Remus (Reince Priebus) has agreed to be the wedding planner!

So far the rumors are that the wedding will take place in South Beach Miami at the luxurious Trump International Beach Resort. The guest list is quite extensive and is sure to grow. The highly steamed and overwhelmingly evil dictator with a bad haircut of the tiny sad country of North Korea, one Kim Jong Un is to preside over the wedding ceremony as he has already been credited by certain lunatic fringe GOP party members to be the cause of unholy matrimony as well as gun control and rampant paranoia among other afflictions of mental paucity. It is only fitting that he preside since he is the cause of such diverse mental dysentery. The best man is sure to be Kim’s best bud the highly tattoed and well punctured former member of the Chicago Bulls basketball team the rebounding and ever eloquent Dennis Rodman! Ann Coulter will be the flower girl but no word yet on whether her bulldog will attend.

Representative Louie Gohmert republican of Texas has been outspoken in his support of such odd partnerships. He actually had predicted that such match ups would surely take place after he confessed his attraction to a Gila monster last November. Prince Remus thinks he has an eye for decorating so he has placed Representative Gohmert in charge of festooning the buffoonery! A Tex Mex theme it may very well be. The illustrious Wayne LaPierre, el presidente of the NRA, will be in charge of catering the event and is sure to provide plenty of fresh red meat for all to consume in corpulent debauchery. Donald Trump has promised full access to his ‘very large Twitter’ to help spread the word!

Bend over Rush and brace yourself! Bible thumping Bill is coming in from behind! Shades of deliverance upon you all! Lord have mercy we’re having a hoe down!

“I’ve always been crazy it keeps me from going insane!” — Waylon Jennings

“When the Democrats flip their kritch like these bastards let me know!”                  — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Death in the Produce Aisle; Genetically Modified Truths

He stood in the produce aisle debating what to eat for dinner that night. Several vegetables caught his eye and brought up visions of culinary delights. The crookneck squash looked particularly delectable with its bright glossy yellow skin. Next to that a bin of ears of corn. The ears were large and firm. They also appeared perfectly edible. The produce person was sorting through the broccoli and arranging fresh bunches. He politely asked the store employee, “are these vegetables genetically modified?”. “I’m really not sure.” answered the broccoli sorter. ‘Hmmm’ the man thought. ‘Maybe I’ll give them a try.’

He tore a plastic bag off the dispenser and loaded it with six ears of corn. Three for a dollar he thought, better get six. As far as the squash he loaded up the bag with what he guessed was two pounds of golden goodness. Curiously as he turned to the scale he noticed a man dressed in camouflage was eyeing him from behind the green beans. ‘That’s strange,’ he thought, ‘what’s he looking at me for?’ He turned and walked up to the next aisle which was filled with condiments including vinegar and salad dressing.

Reaching down to grab a jar of his favorite mayonnaise he felt a strange sensation tearing through his left quadricep. He stumbled back and slammed into the shelf behind him. Several jars of mustard fell on his head and shoulders. He looked up to see the man in camouflage standing over him with a glock pistol. It was aimed squarely at his forehead. “What did I do?” he managed to spit out despite the pain. “Why you were going to buy those genetically engineered vegetables you stupid son of a bitch”, growled the vigilante. “I am going to kill you quick, they would’ve killed you slow!”

‘Great,’ he thought to himself, ‘I am going to be killed by a frikking gun happy lunatic over a dosing of roundup.’ ‘Talk about a genetically modified vegetable, who modified this lunatic’s brain?’ Crack, crack the pistol exhorted. Soon his brains and blood were slowly leaking into the spilled mustard. Mixing into a bizarre dressing on the grocery store floor. “Clean up in aisle five!” the gun happy man proclaimed. “Call the police!” screamed an elderly man.

Five minutes later the police arrived. After the shell shock across the country there were five cruisers pulled up to the front of the store in three minutes flat. Seven policemen surrounded the glock wielding murderer demanding he drop his weapon immediately. Curiously the man complied and gently lowered his shiny pistol to the floor. An officer approached him and began to recite his Miranda rights. When he was finished the trembling man let himself be handcuffed and was led away without a struggle.

“Why did you do it?” the sergeant said as he carefully put the man in the back of the patrol car? “We are all going to die anyway, don’t you see?,” the murderer whispered, “It doesn’t matter anyway, I was just helping him out. If my bullet hadn’t got him he would’ve gotten cancer from those vegetables. We are all being lied to every day. Lies, lies and more lies. Don’t you see it? Nobody gives a damn anymore!” The sergeant closed the car door when the man had finished. ‘How many more of these Goddamn lunatics have guns?’ the sergeant thought to himself.

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Get off the cell phone and drive! — Jake Shween

The Great Marching Plutocracy! Iraq Ten Years After

Let’s cut a blood soaked bargain,
And sell the bovine mass a war,
Never mind they’ll do the fighting,
We’ll make those patriots our whore.

Hate will fuel our terrible cause,
The truth we’ll put on tragic pause,
Heck we’ll bend and rape it,
Reality is cheap,
and Son you are enlisted,
Our orders you will keep.

March from house to house then,
Shoot them if they flee
Remember nine eleven,
Mad justice you will seek.

Burn the village, burn the town,
Dethrone the evil bastard clown!

And if you’re hurt perhaps you’ll bleed,
But that’s our motto and our creed,
All for profit and capitalist greed.

Couched in forced Democracy
The Great Marching Plutocracy!

Just ask our crooked bankers,
And our highbrow lawyers too,
Humanity is fodder, just fodder we can screw.

Don’t ask for help when you get home
Tough it out, you’re free to roam.

Never mind your nightmares,
Who cares if you can’t sleep.
It was not about your choices,
Numb that conscience, kill that creep!

The violence has won now
Mercy never stood a chance
It was all about the oil
And about the corporate dance.

You’ll get the bill for sure Son,
It’s never us that pay!
This is the devil’s bargain
And this hate is here to stay!

“Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war.”                               — Donald Rumsfeld

“There are a lot of people who lie and get away with it, and that’s just a fact.”          — Donald Rumsfeld

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Self Imposed Chronophobia; Daylight Hoarding Time

We like to do everything big in these great United States. We like Big TVs, Big sodas filled with 64 ounces of soda, Big Movies with lots of explosions, Big Hot Dogs with Twelve inches of Paradise* and Big surprises like the Foxholes on Fox News interviewing Thomas Jefferson back from the grave. So isn’t it a bit strange that twice a year we settle for changing the clocks by a mere one hours time? This only raises the heart attack rate by a measly 4.9% couldn’t we do better than that? Everybody enjoys feeling groggy and out of sorts don’t they? Think of all the productivity we waste with this salacious somnambulism! Glorious indeed to waste time dreaming by the coffee machine!

We need an online petition here and a national movement for Daylight Hoarding Time! Let’s change the clocks by two hours twice per year and not settle for less. Bigger is better so the more time we challenge ourselves with the more heroic we will feel. Even people living in the extreme northern and southern longitudes of our great country will feel the dramatic changes in daylight and darkness twice per year. Rouse yourself out of bed like a crab fisherman! Grab your pants and shave like a fireman! Stop this half assed routine now and declare yourself a Daylight Hoarder supporter!

After you read this column you need to go to your household clocks and change them all ahead one more hour. If you have a DVR from your local cable company with a clock on it switch immediately to Direct TV because they have no clock on their units. If you have a pet rooster go and wake them with a boat horn! Pretend everyone else is wrong and in the wrong time zone as you boldly live your life as a Time Hoarder. Stand up for your rights and declare yourselves free Americans! Maybe we can bring the heart attack rate up to 10%! We do it big here! Why settle for less? Turn your clock ahead an extra hour and damn the constraints on your own personal reality!

* Please see The Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

“The Pope smokes dope, he likes to smoke his grass, the Pope smokes dope, he likes to smoke at Mass!” — Anonymous

“Fear prophets and those prepared to die for the truth; for as a rule they make others die with them, often before them and sometimes instead of them.” — Umberto Eco

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Dreaded Scott, Rand Goes Fountainhead, The Bush Gets A Push

Ah the Dreaded Scott, republican Governor Tricky Ricky Scott of Florida to be exact, promises one thing and does something else altogether! Damn these politicians where did they ever get their sense of ethics? Much to the chagrin of Tea Party enthusiasts Tricky Ricky has embraced Obama care and even looks to it as being capable of bringing his state a profit! Well he would know all about profiteering from Medicare as a company he ran called Columbia/HCA was convicted of Medicare fraud that resulted in over two billion in fines! The largest fraud settlement in United States history! Funny trivia fact: Pile of Mitt Romney with his venture predator firm Bain Capital had involvement in a slippery deal with Damon Corporation that also resulted in Medicare fraud! Damn, government entitlements are a good thing when you can skim a few denaros for your Cayman Island accounts from them. Hell just get HSBC to help you hide the paper trail! Those guys are whizzes at stuff like that!

Tip of the hat to the great soliloquist senator Rand Paul today as he filibustered the appointment of John Brennan as the new head of the CIA. He certainly proved that he can spew with the best of them. It reminds one of the quote from the book The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand — “The hardest thing to explain is the glaringly evident which everybody has decided not to see.” What could that glaring evidence be? Why one could surmise that it’s perfectly okay for former president George W. Bush and veep Cheney and his henchmen to authorize use of deadly force to prevent terrorist attacks on United States’ soil but not that strange black man who now resides in that big White House! Glaring evidence indeed! Why it’s as simple as Black and White!

Old Jeb, no not the old shepherd stray living in the woods behind the recycle depot, the ex governor of Florida where Tricky Ricky now holds court, that old Jeb Bush is getting a nod from some GOP heavyweights that he should enter the ring for the 2016 presidential run. He looked enthusiastic as ever as he waffled on his stand on immigration to move to the right of Tupac Rubio Da G. The excitement and hunger was evident in his NBC interview as he trains his junkyard dog eyes on his fellow Republican rivals! How merrily he confessed that his brother “W” has admittedly taken up painting! What could be next? Basket weaving!? One can easily see how the strain of presidential office can sap ones ability to function as a regular working chap! Jeb will learn from his brother’s impotence. He will be better than “W”. He will become a new Republican superhero! A new rallying cry for the country: Bring Back the Bush!

“There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe and it has a longer shelf life.” — Frank Zappa

“A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence.” — David Hume

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

The Burning Man II

Billy Bondi walked and walked on. Through the smoke and not far away he could see a bluish tinge through the grey clouds. The air began to cool around him. He looked at his feet as they walked across the hot coals. His government issue boots had long since burned off but his feet were unburned. In fact he felt none the worse for wear. The smoke began to lessen now. His coughing stopped. He actually began to feel a state of exhilaration. He stopped and balanced with his walking stick as he unhooked his backpack from his shoulders. Reverently he removed the carving of Wandjina, the creator. For a brief moment he considered the contents of the pack. An old shirt, tattered pants and dried out shoes, he threw the pack and its contents into the receding blaze which briefly leapt up as a wolf would leap at raw meat consuming the pack and its’ contents.

He looked down at himself and was amazed at the sudden youthful vigor that had now swept over him. The blue, once distant, was clearer now. A deep blue lay on the horizon and a lighter shade became the sky. Not fifty yards from where he walked now he saw a figure bent over the last edge of the embers. Beyond that a beach! He slowed down and carefully scanned his surroundings. His head was clear. He had never felt the Dadirri so strongly. It boomed inside his body and mind like the heartbeat of all the universe. He heard singing! “Billy Bondi walks. Billy Bondi has a question. A man from far away yet near, walk on Billy have no fear.”

Finally he came to the beach. An old woman was stooped down by the edge of the flames. In her hands was a forked stick and on the end of the stick was a snake which she was roasting in the embers. Again she sang: “A man from far away yet near, he has a question bring him here.” She laughed a friendly chuckle and looked at Billy. Billy recognized her from dreamtime long ago. “Eingana” he whispered. He held out the carving of Wandjina. She reached out to recieve Billy’s gift. Gently she chuckled as she remembered Billy in his Mother’s womb. “Billy come sit and keep an old woman company” Eingana said with a friendly gesture. “Thank you for this gift, I remember when I gave it to your Uncle.” Billy smiled and breathed deeply, he felt a deep exhilaration as if he was nine years old again, an innocent feeling of joy and life. He almost didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. Billy sat down as the waves gently rolled in the azure waters behind him.

“You have walked far Billy, yet your journey has just begun. I know you have a question for me and I have been waiting to hear it.” Billy felt entirely at ease. He was not hungry, he was not thirsty, his mind was crystal clear. Eingana pulled the serpent from the flames and poked at it to see if it was roasted yet. She licked her lips and turned it back into the heat. “Ask me Billy I am here to guide you.” Breathing deeply Billy gathered his composure to address the creator Goddess. “Why Eingana, why does man often take more than he needs?” Billy asked with sincere innocence. Eingana now pulled the snake from the fire and placed it on a rock to cool. Turning to Billy she looked into his eyes and as she did he could see into another existence, another reality but it felt quite natural. “That is a wise question. I believe you can find the answer. It is between the earth and the sky and the abundance that can surround us if we share. We shall eat this snake and then you must walk on.”

Hours seemed to have passed but yet time seemed irrelevant. Eingana had picked up Billy’s walking stick and scrawled a symbol into the sand. It was the script symbol for MU. Eingana explained: “When this symbol is drawn it might look like a heartbeat. To some it means everything to some it means nothing. To some it means eternal but to others ephemeral. Think on these things as you continue on your way.” Billy nodded and smiled. The riddle intrigued him. The meat of the snake had sated him like manna. The energy that filled him was wind horse. “Which way should I go?” Billy asked as he stood. “Follow the shoreline to the white rock. There will be a sign for you there.” As Eingana said this she held Billy’s hand. Into his hand she placed an opal carving of indescribable colors attached to a snakeskin loop. It was a carving of a mobius strip.Billy held it up in the receding sunlight. In it he could see vague notions of animals. He placed the loop around his neck. Eingana stood and pointed. Billy nodded. Billy walked, and walked on.

stock photo of mobius strip  - Moebius strib shaped object on white background - JPG   MOBIUS STRIP

“The possessors of wealth can scarcely be indifferent to processes which, nearly or remotely have been the fertile source of their possessions.”                                — Charles Babbage

Ten Thousand Idiots:

“It is always a danger to aspirants on the Path,

When they begin to believe and Act,

As if the ten thousand idiots who so long ruled and lived Inside,

Have all packed their bags and skipped town or Died.” — Hafiz

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Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Forget Reality this is Much More Important

Pull up a chair and set a spell there is a whole other round of reality coming your way this week in the news. Pay no attention to the media circus behind the curtain. It doesn’t matter that the Pope is resigning and he actually was not, common to contrary belief, fired by Donald Trump. There is also no truth to the rumor that the Catholic Church is beset by scandal and backstabbing infighting. Remember these men of God have forsworn their egos to serve the true Christ. Far be it for them to be guilty of the pompous sin of envy  and the filthy sin of lust. It seems as if they had not found a career serving God they could have just as easily pursued the noble professions of banking or lawyering.

Scandal is as scandal does and the merry go round continues in the fabulous world of beltway bloviating. Nothing new to report dear readers. Very little has changed politically. However, the climate is still rapidly changing. Oil companies are hastily trying to sell us on fracking and how extremely safe and bankable it is. (For them it is – they are certain to rape a tidy profit!) Also the calls for the Keystone Pipeline, a huge pipeline through the middle of the country to transport “shale oil” is causing a ruckus. Remember now you cannot have your cake and eat it too! We can’t burn up the world and grow trees at the same time. Make up your mind dammit.

Sequester this and sequester that, kick the can and let the fat lady sing. Let’s cut all the helpful programs because we still didn’t pay for that damn Iraq war we were sold by the warmongering cronies we were stuck with in the beginning of the millennium. Imagine a reality where those cronies accepted that responsibility and were actually accountable for their actions!? Who owns a huge chunk of that debt? China! Now we owe China some serious coin.  Meanwhile China is trying to hack our computers. Gee ya think they remember the Opium Wars and maybe they are still sore about that? C’mon fellas we were doing our best to be the most honorable pirates as sanctioned by God and the king! Hell don’t dare raise the minimum wage! We need division and an abyss. Let us have our walls and lawyers to hide behind. D.C. runs on lawyers, bad blood and empty rhetoric.

H.S.B.C. the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation has gotten away with murder. Not the first bank and in no way the last. Nothing new here however just another story about money getting in the way of humanity in the sense that humans are supposedly compassionate creatures. But wait are we really compassionate? Is that a reality or just something the Pope wanted us to believe? Some sugar coated Christian cake. An idealist version of a juvenile reality. No wonder the Pope quit. Was that a wolf with a suitcase full of money running down the road? Profit, not The Prophet, is God. Christ is for suckers.

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“That weapon will replace your tongue. You will learn to speak through it. And your poetry will now be written with blood.” — Nobody, from Dead Man by Jim Jarmusch

“Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.” — Aldous Huxley

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Hemp, Horsemeat & Tupac Rubio Da G

Let’s grow hemp in Kentucky. We need a massive project immediately to make hemp the largest Kentucky cash crop. It’s way more drought and climate change resistant than corn. It is a totally viable new cash crop. It’s versatile fibers can be used for everything from denim to sheetrock. It has support from the Senate! Kentucky wonder Mitch McConnell has announced support for this agricultural panacea of a plant. Randal Howard Paul is sporting stylish white shirts manufactured from its fashionable fibers. No longer should we stop Woody Harrelson from sowing the seeds of cannabis. We can feed the leaves to all the wonderful horses in Kentucky. Instead of the Run for the Roses it can be the Dash for the Stash!

Speaking of horses they are now on the menu in many European countries masquerading as beef! Through various discreet channels butchers are grinding and slicing up many an old steed to feed their need for meaty treats. Scotland Yard is on the case and it’s not the Hound of the Baskervilles it’s the Old Ponies from Shetland! Imagine the look on your Romanian Uncle’s face when you explain to him that the kebab he’s enjoying is actually an old bony pony from Shropshire! At least in the United States we know where our pink slime comes from. Remember that no part of a steer is wasted in Texas. God forbid that in this great country we would try to misrepresent our fine meat products.

Which brings us to our Cuban Pork Sandwich, Tupac Rubio! Remarkable speech and rebuttal this G man gave last night to the State of the Union address. He was all up in there with the truth as he laid it out for his peeps by defending the need for gold and driving dirty. We need a guy with street cred like Rubio to put all those crackers back in place. Here’s an idea: a new Hip Hop band of Rubio and his Gmen! Think of it! Ted Nugent could establish a machine gun like beat, Rush Limbaugh could spout out the bass and Reince Priebus (Prince Remus) could rap off with Tupac Rubio about how they all give a crap about all you rich white folk sittin’ up there on the hill with your courvoisier and Hos.

“I don’t have no fear of death. My only fear is coming back reincarnated.” — Tupac Shakur

“Mr. Rubio you cannot hide behind that water bottle as you would your Mother’s teat. Your countenance belies your words however much you wish to conceal it.” — Jake Shween

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Nanoparticles, A Muddy Iditarod and Scientology Saves Mankind

Several new threats to humanity arose this week! One is the presence of nanoparticles in the food supply which was reported as early as 2008 in an article in Scientific American. Apparently companies have been putting tiny amounts of these substances into food and drink for quite some time and many safety issues have recently been called into question according to the New York Times which cited a study by the non profit group: As You Sow (asyousow.org). Interesting how this stuff is suddenly ubiquitous in everything from beer, baby drinks and powdered donuts to name a few. If you are relying on the Food and Drug Administration to protect you well think again. The government often does nothing to help the average Joe except to tell him that corporations are people too and corporations should be allowed to sell us just about anything to make a profit.

Please help protect our sled dogs in the Iditarod race this year. These dogs are highly specialized athletes who perform best when temperatures are between zero degrees and twenty below zero. If the temperatures are much warmer they can easily overheat and muddy conditions may prevail which can be quite dangerous as well. One cannot help but wonder if the mouth of Wasilla, Sarah Palin, will be out there still claiming there is no global warming.  She has plenty of time now to proclaim her own brand of home grown Wasilla wisdom since she was recently booted by Fox News. Maybe her and Todd can get out there and help shovel some mud so the race can go on.

Thank goodness in the times of trouble and turbulence we still have the rock of the Church of Scientology! With all the worries and the strife we can still rely on L. Ron Hubbard’s scotch soaked incantations, hallucinations and proclamations to lead us out of a world of confusion, bribery and delusion! It was comforting to see that wonderful inspiring ad during the superbowl and to know that the most revered of our society, our illustrious Tom Cruise, our venerable John Travolata not to mention that superb example of female pulchritude Kirstie Alley have taken the high road before us to save the earth. Need any more be said? Look to the wisdom that actors can instill unto us. Movies and glamor, egos and clamor no wisdom needed just David Miscavige. So fret not of thy nanoparticles in the food supply, shed not a tear over the arctic heat wave, the Mother ship is coming to save us all from a cauldron of boiling fat!

“I have to believe there’s some other life force out there. I don’t know in what form. But we can’t have all these galaxies and universes without something going on.” — John Travolta

“I didn’t become an actor to have power, but it just happens that I have it and so I have a lot of opportunities.” — Tom Cruise

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“I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.”                    — Tom Waits

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween