Tag Archives: NRA

New Conversion Therapy Makes Republicans Gayer!

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In a little reported discovery earlier this week doctors in Thailand have isolated a gene which if manipulated carefully by radiation therapy may result in a generation of gayer Republicans. Doctor Poon Tang of Twatyang Institute of Bangkok announced that for several years now his team had been working on a remedy for the typical constipated, small minded, anti-art Republican. After years of intensely secretive research on this particularly frustrating ailment, using primarily voluntary test subjects from various infected red states, areas known for their contamination, Doctor Tang and his team proclaimed satisfactory seminal results from the preliminary reparative therapy.

“We have isolated the ARTGAP1 gene and provided it with ample doses of healing sunshine from the premises of our happy domicile. In this extrusion we have exhibited such effects as are known to provide a well being for the healing process. After several treatments our exceedingly successful subjects have returned to their normal lives with renewed sense of health, vigor and enlightenment. We hope soon to expose this treatment to many more constipated republicans in the hope of causing the gridlock and cultural stink to end in the middle of our great friend country America.” Doctor Tang said through an interpreter.

Rumors are already circulating in Stockholm, Sweden that Doctor Poon Tang and the prestigious Twatyang institute may very well win this years Nobel Prize in medicine. This will be the first such award for a doctor from Thailand. Doctor Poon Tang and his staff announced that they would be thrilled to receive such an award. Doctor Poon Tang also graciously invited any small minded constipated Republicans who wish to seek his treatment free flights and room and board. Lucky participants will get an all expense paid trip to the luxurious Shangri-La Hotel located on the banks of the River of Kings just blocks from the Twatyang Institute. Treatment will be administered over the course of several weeks and entertainment is all included.

In the rare and strange event that this new miraculous treatment does not work; litigate not. There are many vacancies available working with old and crippled lawyers in the dark swampy jungles of nearby Laos.

“Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.” — Jerry Garcia

“Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.” — Alan Watts

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Letter From God

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Dear Humanity,

We use that term to be civil. “Dear” meaning in this case: precious. “Humanity” meaning in this case: the human race. The latter term has been disappointing of late as some of those who claim to be human choose to show the basest characteristics of this species which is ironic since many of you have the audacity to claim to be descended from our form or image. In any case, we digress,  back to the letter. Please refrain from bothering us any more as we simply can’t help any of you. It is up to all of you to come together and start taking care of the earth. We thought the instructions were simple enough but apparently not for all of you.

Please stop blaming us in any way shape or form for your shortcomings. These include your ever popular crimes of murder and rape. We have nothing to do with these wicked and heinous things that you do. You have free will. Please refer to your original contracts and note the disclaimer therein. Do not involve us in your political squabbles and stupid rivalries. Stop arguing as to which of our representatives you like, dislike, love or hate the most as these feelings and emotions will avail you nothing. If your team wins the game don’t even thank us because frankly we couldn’t care less either way. Stop screaming our names and perpetuating the myth that somehow we could have prevented or caused your misery.

The path for your mutual happiness lies in your ability to help each other. You must learn to share your gifts with each other. There is nothing to be gained from gathering the most to yourself. The earth, like your humanity, is fragile and easily damaged and destroyed. The sooner you learn how to cooperate on an international level the closer you will be to the heaven that you seem to crave and dream about.

Why, you might ask do we refer to ourselves as we? It is because we exist on all the different levels of time and space and the continuum. We possess the mindset of both the male and female principles. We wear the mask of eternity. Consciousness is simply one aspect of knowledge. To know all one must understand the reality of absolute nothing. That cannot, on this three dimensional plane, be shared …….

“Names can be named but not the Eternal Name.” —- Lao Tzu

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” — Groucho Marx

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Fast and Furiously Ignoring the Obvious

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Anyone watching the news this past week would have found the congressional grilling of the current Attorney General Eric Holder at center stage. Somehow with the congressional approval rating at an unprecedented low these republican clowns can still find time to divert the countries attention from the fact that they have stonewalled every Obama initiative at every turn. So instead our tax money is now paying to watch these boobs grill the attorney general about a program that had little effect on the country other than to possibly help out the NRA by bringing more guns into public circulation.

Where is Alberto Gonzales at a time like this? We need a champion of Attorney General Justice from the former glory days of the Bush administration. You know, the guy who willfully fired U.S. Attorneys that Bush had hired in the middle of their terms because they refused to enforce Republican principles and or initiatives. Thankfully Fox News has hired this legal wiz kid as a talking head. Now if he would only get on his soap box and let us know the proper punishment for Eric Holder instead of harping on the pending Supreme Court decision regarding the Obama Health Care initiative. Or having the asinine audacity to proclaim that Obama is violating his oath of office with his new immigration announcement.

Once again lawyers are proving why they make such lousy leaders. Most of them would rather hear themselves talk than make any progress towards a better future for everyone. Their biggest thrills come from out bullying each other. What’s that you say? Obama is a lawyer? Indeed he is and a graduate of Harvard Law School at that. He’s needed now as he is up against a prime example of a bully from the business world. Willard Mitt Romney of Bain Capital. Check out the picture of him and his cronies waving cash around back in the eighties. What a country!

What a gleeful bunch of guys! How cheery to think of them as rich elitists running things! What rascally frat gags can we expect if Romney gets elected?

“A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.” — Martin Luther King Jr.

“I can make more generals but horses cost money!” — Abraham Lincoln

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Government Should Not Define Marriage

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Sadly yesterday the voters in North Carolina decided to narrowly and insensitively define marriage by approving Amendment One. It is rather preposterous that such an ideal should be defined by a public vote. The key word here is public. Marriage is a private matter. It should be up to each individual couple to decide on their own personal definition of marriage. In a broad sense, if you truly love someone and wish to devote the rest of your life to them, that is a very personal decision and not up for any vote or for any court to decide. How strange that in a country that was founded on the precept of freely practicing your religion of choice, without fear of persecution,  we should once again try to tell people how to think and how to behave. In a country that purports to be against bullying many of the population have turned into bullies!

Ironic too that one main source of this need to control and define the way people should behave and live comes from the Christian church. Dr. Franklin Graham was on television telling us how to vote. The very people that should be striving to emulate Jesus Christ have turned instead into sad and fear mongering vassals of insecurity and hatred of all that they do not understand and therefore fear. Jesus Christ preached tolerance, a detail that many of them conveniently choose to ignore. One passage that the pastor never ignores is the part of the bible which references tithing to the church. Fascinating how a book that was written by poor people scraping out an existence in the desert thousands of years ago and tripping on God knows what can be twisted and perverted in our day and age to confuse and confound so many people.

Doubt not that if Jesus Christ did indeed return to this earth amongst his followers he would be labeled a lunatic. Unless he seriously kicked some ass to protect himself, which never was his style one will notice, he would be summarily be shot by an enthusiastic member of the NRA or the John Birch Society. If he did seriously kick some ass he would be called out as the anti-Christ and the results would be the same.

Will mankind ever be civilized enough to resolve these issues of humanity by relying on logic and perception and not some microscopic view of the universe? The year is 2012. By now we should be seeing some hope of a new way of thinking. The world is indeed hungry for answers and not some skewed perceptions from small minded hate mongers. When the prophet arrives will it be too late? Or is the time of prophets past altogether? Perhaps a giant supercomputer can tell our feeble minds the answers we crave. Or maybe the prophet is a woman! Now that’s a controversial idea!

“I have no objection to any person’s religion, be it what it may, so long as that person does not kill or insult any other person, because that other person don’t believe it also. But when a man’s religion becomes really frantic; when it is a positive torment to him; and, in fine, makes this earth of ours an uncomfortable inn to lodge in; then I think it high time to take that individual aside and argue the point with him.”
― Herman Melville

“Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith. I consider the capacity for it terrifying.” — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween

Nugent Rewrites ‘Journey to the Center of the Mind’; Now called: ‘Journey to the Center of the Bunghole!’

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In case you missed it Ted Nugent shot his mouth off the other day at an NRA rally. This is a figurative representation of course from a man who is known for such genius works as: Kill it and Grill It, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang, Cat Scratch Fever and one of his first hits with The Amboy Dukes, Journey to the Center of the Mind. Ted dear boy it seems you did not smoke enough of the peace weed back in the day or perhaps you neglected to meditate on peace like your band mates did. It appears that all those random sexual acts you engaged in overloaded your neural network with a flood of testosterone causing you to think that violent acts towards living things including your very own neighbors who don’t agree with your blood lust perversion is some kind of solution for your obvious lack of social skills and tact. Perhaps you should go with your flow and write a new song about a coyote peeing on your couch!

Can you imagine that a powerful lobby like the NRA  would engage in such rabble rousing and encourage such animosity and hatred towards fellow human beings? Why yes of course! Isn’t this the very same organization that wants to arm everyone until we return to the wild west? How sad the the very people who need evolution the most are the ones who don’t believe in it and seek to have the theory quashed altogether in our educational system. The people who fight against abortion tooth and nail would like everyone to grow up first and then shoot each other. Apparently this makes for better television and biblical prophesy.

No sooner had Ted gone ballistic above and beyond the call of the idiotic at the blood thirsty NRA rally than did he reappear the next day to reiterate his brand of hate on the radio show of the Fox Network fired Glenn Beck the self ordained clown prince of violent stupidity and cockamamie conspiracy theory. Nice to see birds of a feather still flock together. If only there was a way we could safely transport these petulant lunatics to a cordoned off insane preserve where they could play with guns to their hearts’ content without harming any innocent people. They could swap conspiracy theories around camp fires and dine on uncooked animal intestines.

This should serve as a wake up call to the GOP. Look at the violent fools you have brought into your fold. Is it really worth making these kinds of associations for the sake of an election? What will you do to appease these violent people in the future? Do you really expect them to be satisfied without them killing something or God forbid someone?

It is perfectly alright to disagree with the way things are being run in and around Washington DC, but the way to change things is not with acts of violence. The civilized way to change things is with intelligent and patient discourse with the whole world as your witness.

“People kill people and guns make it easy and impersonal.”— Jake Shween

“Apparently, a democracy is a place where numerous elections are held at great cost without issues and with interchangeable candidates.”— Gore Vidal

 Get off the cell phone and Drive! — Jake Shween